Don’t get me wrong, I think suicide is terrible and stupid. Maybe I’m just naïve and my life is just too awesome for me to understand your angst, but I can foresee no reason to justify killing yourself. If you’re dumb enough to want to kill yourself, I will literally kill you. But there it is folks, Ving does not approve of killing yourself, so if you really want my respect keep living.
In celebration of this joyous, monumental event CaptainRoommate and I watched the Virgin Suicides last night which, suffice to say, kicked fucking ass. This along with the knowledge that last February somebody tried to kill themselves by jumping down a garbage chute inspired me to write a list of cool ways to kill yourself. I am not encouraging you to kill yourself, DO NOT DO IT. It’s just that if you’re going to end your life anyways, I wouldn’t want you doing something as retarded as jumping down a garbage chute. With that in mind, please do not try the following:
Decapitiation.
Grusome, messy, disgusting, and fucking cool are just some adjectives to describe a good ol’ fashioned decapitation. Nothing says, ‘I’m too cool for this world’ like your head in a basket. Better yet, cut it off, but leave it on your shoulders, maybe that way somebody will have an entire conversation with you without realizing your even dead! Imagine the shock on your loved ones face when they tap you on the shoulder and your head falls on their Persian carpet and rolls under the couch. For added comedic relief, dress up like a clown before you do it.
Swallow a Grenade.Just picture the mess. This is probably the most manly way to kill yourself. Swallow the grenade, and pronounce, “That’s a spicy a-meatball.” People will find it hilarious… you know-- until you explode.
Hijack a plane and fly it into a building.
On second thought.. This ones not very funny.
Eat a Ridiculous Amount of Chocolate.
If you gotta die, why not go out eating delicious milky cocoa? I know eating yourself to death would probably be the pain equivalent of pissing a basketball, but dammit if your family doesn’t laugh when they read that your autopsy report claims your cause of death as: “Death by Chocolate.”
Don’t cut your wrists.
Cutting your wrist with a razor is not only ineffective but a pussy thing to do. If you’re gonna take that route, do it like a man and just cut the entire hand off. If you have a roommate, or somebody else that would be around, be sure to close the door, and after doing it proclaim:
“Ow, shit, I cut myself shaving.”
Then casually walk out of the bathroom without hands. You and the other person will probably start laughing, then you’ll shit your pants and die.
Act like a Zombie.
Cut your face up and put on some makeup so you look like a Zombie, then chase a family member or a stranger around acting like you want to eat them. They’ll laugh at first but keep going. If you catch them, take a bite out of them, I mean really get into it, make them believe. If you can convince that person that you really are a zombie trying to kill them, then they’ll have no choice but to kill you. Maybe they’ll impale you with something, that would cool.
However you decide to kill yourself, find a good taxidermist first. Be sure not to let your corpse go to waste, stuff yourself, and give your body away to a friend or family member. Your life may have been a waste, but at least you can be a nice coat rack or statue in your afterlife. Until next time, this is Ving, wishing you good luck in whichever approach you choose….
… oh, and don’t kill yourself, even if it is February.
