-A bowling bal
-a baby tiger
-Vernon Troyer (Mini-me)
-a computer monitor
-you
-George W. Bush
-Encyclopedia Britannica Volumes 5-17
-Anybody who owns an Xbox
-Michigan
-The Batmobile
-A roast beef sandwich
-a full set of knives
-Price is Right anchor Bob Barker
-lots more stuff
You know what it is that pisses me off the most? Everybody is so full of shit. I was originally planning on writing about all the things that people do that I also do that pisses me off, but then I remembered that I’m perfect, and thus nothing I do could possibly piss me off, unless the thing I’m trying to do is piss myself off in which case I would succeed because I’m perfect. Some people might call me conceded, those people are wrong, it’s basic science.
I understand that people tell lies all the time, “it’s a part of life. “You’re blog is good,” “People will like you if you just be yourself,” “I love you,” “I didn’t do it,” “I have no idea where you could’ve gotten that rash,” it all comes with the territory. But some people tell such trivial lies that it’s ridiculous. For example, why is masturbation such a big secret? Why is it so taboo? I don’t get it. Guys and girls do it, guys MUCH more often, yet there seems to be some big unspoken rule not to discuss it. Well, let me get this out of the way, readers, friends, mom & dad,
There I said it, I masturbate. I spank the monkey, I choke the chicken, I jack off, I stroke my stranger, I answer the bone-a-phone, I beat the bishop, I charm the cobra, I crank the shank, I drain the main vein, and I pop the purple pimple. Why can’t people talk about this shit? Seriously, I’m sick and tired of hearing bull shit excuses, and made up alibis. Why can’t people be honest and have more conversations like this:
Jim: So Todd, what did you do last night?
Todd: I squeezed the cream from the flesh twinkie, how about you?
Jim: I hung out with Rosie Palmer and her 5 sisters. (Think about it)
Or for females
Betty: So Rebecca, what you up to tonight?
Rebecca: I’m gonna feed the bearded clam, how about you?
Betty: Two finger taco tango
Rebecca: Why don’t you come over and we’ll experiment, you know I’m bi.
Betty: Me too, let’s invite Ving, he’s so much better than us
Betty and Rebecca go at it right then and there using--
What was I talking about? Beating up people smaller than you? Are you sure, that doesn’t sound right. I‘m sorry, you wouldn’t lie, so back to abusing children and midgets. I don’t think there’s anything more satisfying than the feeling you get when you hit somebody smaller than you square in the teeth. The beauty of it is, usually they start shit, I don’t’ know why, or the science behind it, but the smaller a person is, the more aggressive they generally tend to be. I don’t know why they do this, it’s like challenging a Chinese person to a game of ping pong, sure you might impressive your friends or whoo the ladies with the size of your cojones, but in the end you’re gonna get your ass handed to you on a silver platter. Seriously, nobody beats an Asian at ping-pong… except Forrest Gump, but that was just a movie.
Beating children is like a national past-time, I was born around the time that child abuse was on the outs and never got to experience it first hand, but I’m beginning to realize that my generation is a bunch of sissies…except me… I rock. Seriously, from what I can tell beating your kids was effective, and in the case of Red Forman from ‘That 70s Show,’ hilarious. I’ve been brought up through guilt and pressure, don’t take this the wrong way because my parents are the best, hands down. My dad could kick your mom’s ass* any day, but I can think of a time or two that I deserved to be clocked for something I did or said.
I’ve become impervious to the guilt-trip, and refuse to be suckered into anything (sorry ladies) due to the way society shuns, and police officers arrest people who beat children. Which brings me back to my original point: parents, stop bullshitting with your kids and be straight forward with them. Stop talking out of your ass and start beating theirs. Be honest with your children and stop trying to manipulate them, and maybe they’ll stop giving you so much shit, and start beating their wives. Holy shit, I can’t believe I actually brought this rant full circle and got back to my original point, I truly am amazing, I should be named Pope or something, I’m so much better than you. Fuck! I just did it again, this is amazing writing, I should get a Pulitzer or Humanitarian Peace Prize or be Knighted or something.
Anyways, I’m gonna go beat up some children or something, then I’ll probably masturbate. Maybe I’ll do both at the same time just to really teach those punks a lesson.
*Credited to: www.tshirthell.com
