I don’t know what’s more disturbing the fact that all you idiots decide to get your license, the fact that the government gives them to you, or the fact that god allows this chaos to continue. Seriously, there are just some people out there who should not be allowed on the road. I propose that a new driving test be administered that is nothing more than a checklist:
If any of the boxes are left unchecked than you fail. In fact, if any of the boxes are left unchecked than they feed you to a lion because chances are you're an idiot anyways. I honestly believe that you should not drive if you’re asian, old, really short, or think that spending double what you paid for your piece of shit car on spinners and wings makes you cool. I’m sorry if it offends anybody but I always thought that the belief that Asians can’t drive was a stereotype, I now realize that it’s not a stereotype if it’s true. Hell, maybe I’m wrong (HAHAHHAHAHAHAH, not likely) but for safety’s sake, sell your Honda and get a bicycle.There used to be a custom in Japan that when people got old they used to be brought up to the mountains to die. Actually, maybe not, maybe I’m just making it up, you have no way of knowing, so just assume everything I tell you is true. Anyways, I think this custom should be brought into effect right here in North America. Also, they should bring back that show with the puppets I used to watch when I was a little kid, you know the one that they made a stupid movie out of and totally ruined it… Thunderbirds, I think it was called. Also, Team America was cool too, I like puppets. What does this have to do with driving you ask? To hell if I know.
I guess the point is that old people should not be allowed to drive. I can’t stand being stuck behind somebody driving their old pinto at the square root of the speed limit. I have nothing but respect for the elderly (I’m lying) but you need to either drive faster, get taller, or go to the mountains to die. General rule of thumb: if you can’t see over the steering wheel, DON’T DRIVE!
What really bothers me about old drivers is that they’re always the first to bitch and complain about the youth being responsible for accidents nowadays. I’m sure when you were younger and creatures finally evolved to take the form of horses, the elderly of that day blamed you for all the horse crashes, well they were wrong and so are you. Even if a large majority of accidents are from young drivers, it’s not because they’re young, it’s because they’re new to driving, and whenever you begin to learn you’re gonna have trouble. Therefore, your solution is to eliminate the art of driving. I’ve got an even better suggestion, go buy a coffin, lay down in it, and wait for the sweet release of deaht. Or if you're really impatient you can drive a stake through your heart, because it’s a scientific fact that everybody over the age of 65 is a vampire.
Don’t take this wrong way, I’m not trying to pick on old people, I don’t think anybody other than me should be allowed to drive. I don’t know if this really actually applies if you’re not on the highway or if I just made it up, but either way it should be obeyed. The left lane is the passing lane, so if everybody’s passing you (see: old people) then get the hell out of that lane, goddamm it. Oh, and when you change lanes, SIGNAL. Somewhere along the line society deemed it not ‘cool’ to signal, and so people, being the sheep that you are, decided that moving a finger 2 inches to potentially save your life just wasn’t worth the effort. From now on every time I see somebody turn or change lanes without signaling, I’m going to kill a puppy.
WHAM!!! Right into the wood chipper.I was also planning on writing about drive-thrus and other idiots with automobiles, but quite franly, I'm afraid if I write any more my head will explode so I’m done. I’m gonna go see if there are any channels that still play Thunderbirds. Oh, and happy fucking valentines day.
