By the time I arrived at the doctor’s office I was 5 minutes late. Sprinting to the front door, some hairy, homeless, mess of a man asked me for change.
“Do you have any spare change” he inquired
“Why yes I do, thanks for checking” I responded, before I kicked him in the nuts so hard his head exploded .I took $1.07 from his little cardboard cup and ran through the front of the building, counting my newfound change. Upon realizing how little was there, I broke the neck of a little kid as I ran by, Steven Seagal would’ve been proud. I eventually arrived at the receptionists desk, where I was informed that my appointment had been delayed by an hour, because the doctor had broken his leg. After a moment of thought, I picked up her computer and broke it over her head killing her instantaneously, several people in the waiting room died of shock. I then ripped off the front door of the doctors office throwing it through the windown, and barged in, where surely enough the doctor was sitting there, having his leg examined. I snapped it back into place and at knife point he examined me. Taking my temperature, he informed me that I had a temperature of 109 degrees and should be in bed. I then enlightened the ignorant bastard.
“IF VING GET SICK, YOU GET DEAD!!!”
I then impaled him with the doctor that was examining his leg and left with his head in a baggie. On the way home I burned down an orphanage and nuked Minnesota. Parking my car at rez, I made my way to Bethune, where I encountered a Goth kid whipping his hair out of his eyes and hating life. I decided that I cannot stand to see somebody so angry with the world, and had to take action. While I made this decision, a planet was discovered and named after me, and Pamela Anderson tattooed my name on her breasts. Being the caring humanitarian that I am, I went over to the EMO boy and had a little chat with him. Our conversation was as follows:
After this encounter I decided that I did not feel like going back to rez, so I transformed myself into a giant gorilla and destroyed the residence. I then ran amok in New York City, falling in love and eventually climbing the Empire State Building, where airplanes from the 1950’s were sent to shoot me down. I fought them as hard as I could but eventually lost my balance and fell. Thankfully I transformed back into myself, and right before I hit the ground, Superman swept in and saved me.
Superman flew me to his planet of Krypton, where he we played a game of ‘Life’ which became so heated I had no choice but to disembowel him. Apparently the forces of Irony are doubled on Krypton. Being the man who killed Superman, the Kryptonians brought me to the King of the Galaxy. The king told me to make myself at home, and asked if I wanted anything to eat. I said yes, I would love a full Lemon Meringue Pie, but when they brought it to me it was a slice of Apple Crumble Pie. This infuriated me, so I picked up the knife and played a game of catch with the King of the Universe’s face. I know what you’re thinking, “Certainly the King of the Universe would not be killed by a knife to the face,” however you are wrong. Naturally I was then named the new King of the Galaxy and given unparalleled power unto all.
And so, my first order of business, after beating god in a tug-of-war to prove my masculinity, is to demand that David Lynch stops making movies. Thank you for your time.
The above mentioned story is based entirely on true events.
