The other day I had dinner at the all-you-can-eat buffet, Frankie Tomatoes, and there was a gentleman who walked in who had the approximate circumference of a tiny planet. I pity everybody at the buffet when he comes to fill his plate, I can only imagine the ensuing moment to be similar to the opening scene of ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark.’
This particular gentleman was wearing suit pants with a large spandex ‘Incredibles’ shirt. That big red stretchy t-shirt with the cartoon ‘i’ in the middle of it… yeah, he was wearing one of those. As he walked into the restaurant I’m pretty sure I could faintly hear an oriental man screaming“GODZILLA”
And then jumping out of the nearest window.
My intention here isn’t to ridicule or demean the morbidly obese, especially considering I used to be HUGE and am still overweight, it is simply to shed some more light on the subject. I don’t want to do research for this thing, so I don’t have an actual number, but the percentage of North America that is overweight is absurd, and the number is only increasing. Sure, fat people make us laugh, but they also cut into our food supply. There are people starving to death in Africa and we’ve got human wrecking balls consuming the equivalent of a tiny farm on a weekly basis. My proposed solution: Give us a year to get back in shape, and then start feeding the obese to the starving children in third world countries. I think this seems like a good plan. Not only can we put an end to world hunger, but we can also put an end to crappy Michael Moore documentaries. The only possible dilemma I can foresee is that due to the fat content and the amount of fat people, the starving African children may themselves become obese, thus making them food for other African children, and so on and so forth. But to hell with it, I say. If the world has to end, I say we end it like men, like cannibals. Let’s eat ourselves into oblivion, until only one REALLY fat person remains, thus forcing himself to eat himself, it’s the only way.
On the other hand, what is life if not the pursuit of happiness? If eating your net weight in chocolate brings you happiness, then who are we/you/I to say that this is wrong? From the time we’re born it has been preached to us to be ourselves, and if your true self consumes mass quantities of brownies at an alarming rate, than by all means, express yourself, dammit. Unless, of course, you’re a girl… ‘cause that’s just gross. Who’re are these poster boys, and pretty celebrities to tell you how to look? Fuck you Jack LaLaine, fuck you Britney Spears, fuck you Gollum. The way trends are changing nowadays, I’m sure soon enough fat will be the new fit. So pick up that twinkie, eat that fungible. Fell on the floor? Who gives a shit, wash it down with some Chocolate Syrup, and don’t you dare touch that treadmill. Big is beautiful.
But then again, you ARE killing yourself, and don’t blame us if we feed you to a hungry Ethiopian boy. Maybe the problem is that it is not acceptable to condemn these people, sure the overweight are teased and ridiculed (trust me, I know), but society deems it improper to actually confront fat people. It is generally agreed upon that smoking is bad, and often if you are seen with a cigarette, there is a hippie right beside them telling them that it’s gross, wrong, and they’re killing themselves. This is a valid point, seeing as how tobacco is responsible for 440 000 deaths in the US each year, but when you consider that there are 365 000 fat related deaths per year, doesn’t it seem ridiculous that while you can scorn somebody lighting a little white stick, nobody says anything to the fat man at the buffet line. Put the fork down, wipe off that mayo, and don’t even think about getting dessert, you are killing yourself. The solution seems obvious, all we need to do is make fun of fat people. Hell, you know you want to do it, I know you want to do it, they know you want to do it, so let’s fucking do it. Free gym memberships, brocolli buffets, chase fat people with lawn rakes to make them run, let’s do whatever we can to get these people in shape. Let’s save a porkers life.
In reality though, I have no right telling people how to live their lives, so I guess all I can do is make these requests. So plead with you, with fat people all over the world, and I beg that you heed my call. PLEASE do not wear spandex, although you may be proud of your curves, I do not want to see your ‘Mr Goodyear’ build. PLEASE stay away from McDonalds, ‘Super Size Me’ did enough damage to their reputation and your fat ass isn’t helping. If you’re on an airplane, PLEASE get two seats, while your belly is soft and comfortable, I do not want it on my lap. And most importantly, if you want to cash in on your size and make BBW porn, by all means, more power to you, but PLEASE do not make these pictures pop-up on my computer, between that and all the bestiality pop-ups(which are pretty nuts) I’m on a steady path to impotency.
In conclusion, eat a carrot and go for a run fatty. While I respect your lifestyle choices, and myself indulge in some of its luxuries, you’re killing yourself, and more importantly disgusting me. I don’t mean the generally overweight, I’m talking babies go missing in your folds, riding an electric scooter, need a tray for your tits when you sitdown, fat. While I may not approve of your lifestyle choices I respect them, but don’t be surprised if you wake up and in a mud hut covered in salt.Sincerely,
Ving
