I have a baby brother under one years old, and for the most part he’s pretty well behaved as far as babies go, but there are time, like RIGHT NOW when he just won’t shut up. As I type this article he is screaming full blast downstairs, which brings me to todays topic:
I HATE BABIES.
They’re tiny, self-obsessed, crying, poop machines. Just another target for companies to sell their shit to. That 4 dollar ping pong ball sized bottle of baby food you’re eating…yeah, that’s apple sauce. Stop bitching and eat it before I punt you off the balcony. All seriousness aside, why do babies think they have the right to scream at the top of their lungs because they don’t want the blue ball, they want the red one.
WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You stopped singing stupid songs for half a second, oh my god I can’t take these milliseconds of non-activity, this is the worst pain ever.
WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Second of all, babies are stupid. Try having a baby write up your Econ. Report, or file your taxes, they can’t, they’re just too dumb. They’re not just stupid like the 47 year old hippie in your 3rd year university classes, who was too busy shooting heroine and supporting his illegitimate illiterate children to do things right and now he thinks he has the right to come back, clogging up the already screwy education system and try again, well guess what buddy, it’s too late and it’s my turn now, so get the fuck out of my school, and go home to your bachelor apartment, and janitorial job at the closest Arby’s before I beat the shit out of you and rip off your Cheech and Chong beard and tie dye shirt, it’s 2006 and you’re a failure, wake up to the real world, before I KILL YOU, YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER.--
Where was I? Oh right… babies are stupid, just not like that guy. Babies don’t even try, they’re more than happy to sit around wasting away in their own crapulence murmuring incoherent phrases and torturing the cat all day. But then again, why should we expect them to desire to transcend themselves? It’s not like we motivate them. We’re more than happy to buy them toys and laugh and giggle and say “oh, how cute” every time a baby craps himself. Well I say we put an end to this insolent parenting and start teaching babies to be men (even the girls), and I’ve got just the answer: Baby Boot Camp. Force them to fight each other and support themselves. It’ll be grueling, hard work, and if your baby isn’t up to the challenge, then they feed him to a bear…. Or something. If you can’t afford this luxury, then just leave him in the woods or something, and when/if he comes back, he’ll be coming back a man.
I don’t know what babies have to cry about anyways, their lives are pretty sweet. When was the last time you saw a full grown man shit himself, then throw his favorite ‘toy’ across the room, only to have people giggle and comment on how precious his butt is? Listen, if there are any babies reading this right now, I propose a swap. I’m gonna play on the floor with toys all day, have your mommy wipe my ass, feed, and bathe me, and you can write this stupid blog. While you do it, I’ll be screaming as loud as I can for no goddamm reason!
God I hate babies. Thank god I never was one.
