Don’t watch TV after Midnight
Lemme set the scene for you. You’re looking at a kitchen, or at least a very convincing half set of the kitchen and sitting on the counter is this groundbreaking new device:
A man whose face is frozen in smile mode, looking like Jack Nicholson in Batman, turns to the camera and screams, “SET IT….--” and awaits your response. You:
a) Stare at the screen in confusion
b)Keep flipping channels because it’s 2 a.m and you’re just looking for porn
c) Stand up and scream “AND FORGET IT!!!!!!!”
If you answered C, give yourself a fucking pat on the back. Okay, now go feed yourself to an alligator or something you stupid motherfucker. If you said ‘and forget it’ before you even read the options, than I pity you. Destroy all your reproductive organs to ensure that you never spread your seed, and then kill yourself. Slowly. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, then congratulations, You Win!!! No I’m just kidding you’re still a loser, and I hate you and everything about you. Congrats.
I envy the jackass who makes millions of dollars off of this stupid product. Just imagine this asshole standing in his parents kitchen cooking himself dinner because he’s obviously alone, when he makes the startling revelation that will forever change mankind: “I wish I could cook stuff faster.” Just imagine, a product that you place food in, set the timer, and then when it’s finished cooking, a small bell goes off alerting you that you may now enjoy your delectable meal. Hey ass-hole, it’s called a toaster oven, you can’t just make a catchy catchphrase and advertise in the wee hours of the morning, taking credit for an invention that existed years before you even dropped out of high school…. Oh no wait, never mind. I hate equally all you idiots who watch this crap and think, ‘HOLY SHIT!!!!! HOW HAVE I SURVIVED WITHOUT ONE OF THOSE!!!! Now I can stop setting it and then having to constantly worry. With this item, I can set it…AND FORGET IT.” God I hope you die. Everytime that commercial is on, I don’t need you to proclaim ‘AND FORGET IT,’ to prove how smart you are. You’re a dumb jackass… yeah, I get it. Man, I hate people.
I swear some of the inventions that they advertise nowadays… it’s so ridiculous. At least the marketing professionals behind late night advertising know their target audience. At 2 o’clock in the morning the only commercials you see are for Hemorrhoid cream and depression pills. The best are the depressions pills:“Do feel alone in the world? Stay up late at night, for no real reason? Do you always feel down, and lack purpose in your life?”
Well, if you didn’t before, you sure as hell will now. Anybody sitting up at 2 in the morning watching an infomercial for anti-depressants is gonna be depressed. We don’t care how long it takes for you to quickly go through the side effects, I wanna feel better… NOW! Bloody diarrhea? Hair Loss? Melting Skin and on rare occasion pregnancy? Who cares, gimme that number on more time.
My favorite is answering the rhetoric questions that every stupid ad asks me.
Ad: Do you have trouble vacuuming those hard to reach places?
Ving: No, my Pilipino does that for me
Ad: Looking for a pad that lets you move like a woman?
Ving: hmmm, lemme think…. NO!
Ad: Feeling not so fresh?
Ving: Smells armpits. Scowls. Goes to ‘Baby Blue 2’ and checks to make sure roommate is asleep while unzipping pants.
I’ve always wanted to just phone in and answer their rhetoric questions.
Operator: Hello, blah blah blah pharmaceuticals, how may I direct your call?
Ving: WHY YES!!! I am looking for a product that both cleans and protects.
*click*
Dumbass bastards. Whether they’re advertising a vaccuum cleaner, medication, or a blender, every infomercial is exactly the same. Enter over excited host describing how sexually frustrated he is that no item exists to vaccuum up thumbtacks/slice, dice, and chop all with the same tool/supress his suicidal thoughts. Enter overage but still hot female cohost explaining that such item DOES exist, cut to indescribable ecstasy reaction shot as host reaches climax from this new revelation. Somewhere throughout there will be the doubters who question the specific merits of the items, but boy oh boy will they be proven wrong. Holy Shit, you’ll find yourself thinking. I ALWAYS need to cut through empty aluminum cans!!!
The only semi-redeemable and acceptable infomercials are those soft core porn advertisements for what I can only assume is phone sex. Don’t act innocent, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Large breasted women standing on some rocks by the beach looking seductively into the camera while she feels herself up to upbeat romantic ‘80s ballads. Sure the women are dirty, homeless, and if you look close enough you can see the abortion scars, but dammit it’s late and you’re horny so you’re willing to look past their serious physical and emotional scars. I seriously feel like I’m contracting STD’s just watching these girls. I actually currently have this playing in the background right now and the girl is on her cell phone. No wait… that’s house phone with the cord removed…HAHAHHAHAHA, sorry, this show is too awesome. I don’t understand why she has to dance provocatively for me while on a cell phone. As if your audience is so stupid that they need you to show them how a phone works. Now you’re gonna get a flood of callers undressing and gyrating with ‘Dude Looks Like a Lady’ blasting in the background.
While we’re at it, fuck you George Forman. Congratulations on your boxing career, and all, but at what point in your career, did you decide that it was time to retire and start mass-manufacturing grills? His product is called the George Formans Lean Mean Fat Reducing Maching…. No that’s it, that’s the punch line. You better not be fucking enjoying reading this, because you and I both know you own one. Shit, I own one. I own two, and I want another one. I’ve never used it, neither have you, but dammit, this is a cool product endorsed by a cool guy, so better buy 8 dozen. For all we know these things are hollow, and don’t even work. George Forman: Manufacturing Super Genius.
So there you have it, I hate infomercials because they suck. If you disagree with me, that’s alright, you’re entitled to your opinion and I respect your right to have it. Unfortunately, you happen to be wrong, now go choke on chicken shit and die. Thanks.
