I Love You. Sincerely, Hallmark.

Well it’s almost Valentines day, and being a man with no girlfriend or relationship of any kind, with no potential romantic interests on the horizon I take it as my personal responsibility to write to you on the subject. So grab your loved one and hold them tight as I tell you why:

VALENTINE’S DAY IS BULLSHIT.

Women need to understand that the only reason this holiday exists is because men know that if we don’t buy you chocolate and little $7 paper card for you to prove we care, you will literally eat our balls. If it was up to men, you think we would have this stupid holiday? Here’s a comparison of the male and female mind:
And yes, when women think about ‘The Notebook’ they spell it wrong. Somehow women got the impression that love is only expressed through romantic ballads and actions, little do they realize that these moments and lines from the movies are written by a fat guy eating corn chips in front of his computer monitor, probably not wearing pants, with lesbian porn playing 7 feet away on his 12” television, at the foot of his single bed in his one room, boxed shape, bachelor’s apartment. Cupid, with his beer belly and semi-hard on. But hey, if Ryan Gosling says it then it must be romantic.

Chances are most, if not ALL women (and men) don’t even know the story behind Valentines Day, allow me to enlighten you. Around 260 A.D a man named Valentinius was imprisoned for his Christian beliefs. While in prison he restored the sight of his jailers blind daughter, and the night before he was killed he wrote a note to her and signed it, ‘From your Valentine.’ Hang in there, I’m almost done. Later, in Rome people would gather on February 14th to honor Juno, the pagan goddess of love and marriage by drawing names out of a hat and marrying whoever you end up getting. Awwwwwwwww, isn’t that romantic? They randomly chose somebody and married that person in spite of the fact that they probably have never even met that him or her. Let’s celebrate random marriages chosen by luck regardless of the participants by buying women chocolate and cards that tell them how much we love them only one day of the year, instead of actually having a romantic relationship, where we don’t rely on commercialism to express how we feel about each other. Boy oh boy, I sure do love Valentines Day.

I have nothing against romance, I think every women should be complimented on her hair, or how good she looks while she does my laundry and bakes me pie, but love is a 365 days a year thing, not a one day a year thing. Or so I hear. Men buy women candy, chocolates, and take them out for dinner to show them they love them by letting their women get fat. Guys, my suggestion for you is to get those liqeur chocolates and a strong wine/champagne. Get your woman drunk and then you can do things to her. Happy Valentines Day, you‘ve got Chlamydia and won‘t be able to sit down for a month.

Speaking of consumerism, why are Valentines Day Cards so popular? Starting in Grade School we used to be forced to bring in shitty cards with an elephant, or bumblebee on it and give them to the people we liked. Segregation starts early nowadays, I still remember the mentally disabled kid sitting alone at his desk picking his nose and eating his boogers while we all exchanged cards. The best were the ones with Batman or something on them, because nothing says ‘Be my Valentine’ like a middle aged man in spandex.

When you grow up you give away ‘adult cards’.
“Just in case you can’t tell I love you, I bought you this card to express how I feel. I don’t tell you I love you enough, so here’s a card with a picture of two cute bunnies saying it. Will you touch my penis now?”
Here’s an actual Valentines Day card from Hallmark.

What the fuck does a cat have to do with anything? Seriously, did my parents just never teach me about the seductive powers of upside down cats? Does the fact that there’s a cute kitty on the card make the woman not realize that the guy bought that card on his way over? Maybe it’s just a subtle allegory to the fact that all we want for Valentines day is a little pussy.

To counter-balance all the stupid bullshit that Valentine’s Day is all about, I have decided to make some realistic and honest Valentine’s Day cards, not for profit like all those merchandising bastards, but because I genuinely care. Please feel free to use these ideas, but don’t blame me when your woman leaves you for someone smart enough to not take advice from a blog:







There you go, use ‘em or don’t use ‘em, I don’t really care. I’ve got some porn and crying myself to sleep to tend to. Happy Valentines Day.