The Car Pool

My grandfather kicks ass. He has a system that when my brother(s), cousins, and I get our driver’s license he buys us a car. It’s a good system. The first available day after my birthday I went in to get my G2, which I passes with flying colors. My instructor either had some kind of mental dysfunction or thought I did; he over annunciated everything and spoke slower than Helen Keller. By the time he’d finish telling me where to make a turn I would have already passed it. Seriously, my driving instructor was Forrest Gump.

Anyways, the point is I passed, and my grandpa gave me a check to go buy a car. After much deliberation and searching, I eventually out negotiated the Honda salespeople and got me a brand spanking new Honda Accord. The Honda Accord was nice, sleek exterior, smooth ride, leather interior, 6 disk in dash cd changer, the works. That car treated me well, and I loved it. I’m convinced that if I had ANY game, that would’ve been my shag wagon. But as we all know, all good things must come to an end.

One day I parked my car by the side of the road, and headed inside when soon after it began to rain. This wasn’t your usual, “Goddamit, I just got a car wash” rainstorm, this was a ‘rush to the fall-out shelter, midgets climbing to higher ground, beware of shark’ rainstorm. Watching my car sink, I was half expecting a Jew to trot past leading a group of animals to his boat.

Watching commuters on their way to work, I couldn’t help but laugh at them, especially the ones who just got a car wash. It wasn’t quite as funny, however, when as each car drove past mine, the waves launched my automobile 3 feet in the air. It was around this time that I came to the conclusion that
My Car + 4 feet of water + Nautical Bouncing = Bad.
I changed into sweatpants and a t-shirt and headed outside to push my car onto the driveway. Realizing that this wouldn’t work, I requested the assistance of everybody who was home… my 110 pound Pilipino Housekeeper, and her equally gargantuan friend. Standing outside, all three of us standing in the new river, water up to our belly buttons, we pushed. The girls at the front, and me at the back, face red, pushed up against my rear fender pushing with my whole body, I seriously regretted not purchasing that ‘anti-rust’ protection service.

After several minutes of pushing, we were able to move the car, but couldn’t get it up the driveway. Much to our luck, a large group of South Africans came strolling by wearing ponchos, and offered their services. And yes… they were drunk. What you have to wonder though, is were these lunatics, wandering around wearing ponchos looking for people in distress that they could save before the storm hit, or did they see the Apocalypse as the perfect time to go for a stroll? Either way, with their help we were able to push the car back onto the driveway with ease. We thanked them, they gave us a ‘Cheers Mate’ (I guess they were actually Australian) and off they went in search of someone else to save. Car now safe from the wet, I opened the door, to drain my car, which was currently filled with water (get it now? The Car Pool!). I then climbed in my the drivers seat, and curious as to whether the car still worked, inserted the key. Holding my breath I slowly turned the key, and my questions were answered when, hold for dramatic effect…. the engine didn’t start.

The dealership would later inform me that the engine is damaged beyond repair. Lucky for me, nothing that happened was my fault, and insurance deemed it an ‘act of god’ and offered to fully reimburse me the price I payed for it. HA!

God - 0, Ving - 1

The guys at Honda thought I was kinda crazy when I went in to pick up my belongings from the car, which consisted of, two tiny stuffed animals, two of the same unopened packages for an action figure in the glove compartment, a handheld fishing video game, fuzzy dice, and a William Shatner CD.

I used the insurance money to buy a new car, albeit a cheaper one… a Mazda. I bought a car for about 5 thousand dollars cheaper, and got the best, most stereotypical salesman ever. He was a middle aged, asian, hard sale, salesperson, who apparently learned English from a book of cliches and catchphrases.

AsianSalesman: The car costs $31, 000
Ving [and dad]: I won’t pay that much
AsianSalesman: Laughing, Okay okay, you got me, I can drop it to $30, 000
Ving: Look of contempt
AsianSalesman: More laughter, ok, if you go down a model, I can give you for $27 000
Ving: Listen, I came here to get a cheaper car, and won’t spend more than $25 000
AsianSalesman: Laughing and pointing at us, You hard sell. Ok, I lower price to $26 000. But only because I’m good friends with the manager and I like you. I only do this for you, ok? You #1 customer (he didn’t actually say this…. Unfortunately)
Ving: $25 000
AsianSalesman: If you buy now, I go $25 500 because there’s only one car left on lot. Luckily, it’s the car you want, in your style, and your color.
Ving: I’ll buy tomorrow
AsianSalesman: Deal.

And there you have it, I purchased the car the next day and am still driving it. There’s more I could get into but I don’t feel like writing anymore, so I’m ending the story here.

By the way. I started the engine when the car was submersed in water, so it wasn’t an act of god, it was totally my fault…. Don’t tell insurance.