Mad Mel

I know that it comes to nobody’s surprise that Mel Gibson is fucking insane. He used to just be some good looking romantic comedy, Braveheart, talented actor, who kept his anti-Semitism and dreams of world domination to himself. Those days, my friends, have passed. Mel Gibson has moved past his acting roots and begun directing. By all logic he should be successful, he is a man and should be able to relate to that market, and he can read females minds, so he has his entire audience covered.

While it would easy to tear into Mel for being an anti-Semitist and tease and ridicule him for ‘Passion of the Christ’ calling him a Nazi, and photo shopping pictures like this:


I would never do that. I’m better than that. Besides, I’m not offended by ‘Passion of the Christ,’ if anything I think it’s motivational. Jesus is the poster boy for ending ‘Jew on Jew Violence.’ I mean honestly, how can we expect the world to treat us equally if we can’t stop nailing each other to giant crosses? Grow up people!!

Anyways, the reason I’m writing this is because Mel Gibson has a new film coming out called:


He does not star in it, but he does direct it. The film is about some people, in some time, doing some stuff. That’s all that’s known about the film, with the exception of the catchphrase: “When the end comes, not everyone is ready to go,” which I can only assume means there’s extra footage at the end of the movie. Mel Gibson is going for the mysterious angle, soon enough he’ll change his name to a symbol and only speak in rhyme. What happened to Mel? I mean seriously, who is in charge of his public relations? Did he hire his sister or something? I would pay to see Mel Gibson and Tom Cruise fight it out for the reputation as hottest retard. A real life Celebrity DeathMatch.

Anyways, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, Apocalypto. I recently watched the preview to this trash, and essentially it takes place in a dirty jungle, or Detroit or something. There’s a really fast montage that shows aspects of the jungle and lots of crazy tribes people covered in white powder:

Amidst all this mess and chaos there is a shot which passes so quickly you can't even see it. If you go to the very first frame of this shot, for 1 frame, which is 1/24th of a second and stop the preview, lo and behold, I present to you, the one and only, crazy ass Mel:


I swear to you I did not photoshop that. I didn’t touch it, that’s exactly as it appears. If you don’t believe me, watch the preview and try and stop it on the first frame of that shot (near the end) for yourself. Use your arrow keys to go forward one frame at a time. It’s real, and in my opinion this is proof that Mel Gibson has officially lost his goddamm mind. I mean seriously, what the fuck? Besides the fact that he put that in there, look at him. He’s chewing on a toothpick, wearing plaid, and has a birds nest glued to his chin. And look at that smile, that’s the ‘I stuck your toothbrush up my ass and now I’m watching you brush your teeth with it’ smile.

I just thought you all deserved to see that. And Mel… please don’t kill me. Shabbat Shalom.

The best feeling in the world

I fucked a pig last night. I'll update you later.

Edit #1: I uh-- I gues.... this will be... my brother's guest entry...?

Date Movie? More like BAD movie... HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA, I'm hilarious.

Dear Hollywood,
Fuck You.

I just watched ‘Date Movie’ and cannot even begin to describe to you the horrific ness that this movie was. It was bad. It was worse than bad, it was …imagine going to a farm, and having to retrieve something from inside a cows anus using only your mouth. That’s what it was like to watch this movie. Or, or receiving anal sex from a Sperm Whale, or listening to Pauly Shore do stand up. Here are some real reviews:

"It's terrible. It's awful. It's terawful." - Pete Croatto
“it basically dares you not to run out of the theater screaming." - Steve Rhodes
"They manage to miss just about every target." - Robert Denerstein
"Date Movie is stupefyingly unfunny" - Joe Leyden
"Calling it ghastly would be an act of kindness" - Frank Swietek
“it just ain't that funny." - E! Online
"torturously unfunny and thoroughly aggravating... the year is still young, but don't be surprised if 'Date Movie' is the worst film of 2006." - James Sanford

Date Movie was bad. Seriously, do not see it. I am doing my part as a humanitarian and ensuring my place in heaven by telling you to not see this movie. It’s not funny, it’s not romantic, it’s not touching, it‘s not good. Holy shit this thing was bad. Seriously, just terrible. I’m getting angry thinking about it. This is an illustration of me during the funniest part of the movie:I then demanded a refund, burned down an orphanage, and threw a child into the sun. This film advertises itself as having 2 of the 5 writers from ‘Scary Movie,’ clearly it was one of the writer’s retarded cousins, and the token black writer who has no clue how to write a movie, but is on board so they can make racial jokes. The following is a list of things funnier than ‘Date Movie’:

-Abortions
-Rob Schneider
-Hobo Fights
-Feminism
-Chlamydia
-The Holocaust

The only thing that pissed me off more than the terrible-ness of this film, was that stupid girl a few rows below me who kept laughing. This is just proof that attractive females are stupid. Ladies, if you thought ‘Date Movie’ was funny then I recommend becoming a lesbian, because at least then you’ll have something to offer the world.


If you were planning on seeing this movie, here’s a much more entertaining way of spending your money:
Step 1: Find a homeless person and offer him/her the money
Step 2: Tear the $10 bill into 8 pieces
Step 3: Light the money on fire
Step 4: Laugh

There, you have my advice, don’t see this piece of crap. The rest is in your hands. Goodnight, and good luck.

Don't Watch TV After Midnight

When I watch T.V I watch late at night and I watch on the few free stations that I can get using nothing but tinfoil, a block of butter, and the combined will of me and my roommate. During the day the only things that are playing are stupid shows like Jenny Jones and Montel. I am choosing not to discuss these shows because it would make me so angry that I'd probably end up committing infanticide or something (because babies are easy to kill.). The programs that I am choosing to discuss with you today are those that they play between the hours of 12:30 and 3 o’clock AM, infomercials. This brings me to today’s rant:

Don’t watch TV after Midnight

Lemme set the scene for you. You’re looking at a kitchen, or at least a very convincing half set of the kitchen and sitting on the counter is this groundbreaking new device:

A man whose face is frozen in smile mode, looking like Jack Nicholson in Batman, turns to the camera and screams, “SET IT….--” and awaits your response. You:
a) Stare at the screen in confusion
b)Keep flipping channels because it’s 2 a.m and you’re just looking for porn
c) Stand up and scream “AND FORGET IT!!!!!!!”

If you answered C, give yourself a fucking pat on the back. Okay, now go feed yourself to an alligator or something you stupid motherfucker. If you said ‘and forget it’ before you even read the options, than I pity you. Destroy all your reproductive organs to ensure that you never spread your seed, and then kill yourself. Slowly. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, then congratulations, You Win!!! No I’m just kidding you’re still a loser, and I hate you and everything about you. Congrats.

I envy the jackass who makes millions of dollars off of this stupid product. Just imagine this asshole standing in his parents kitchen cooking himself dinner because he’s obviously alone, when he makes the startling revelation that will forever change mankind: “I wish I could cook stuff faster.” Just imagine, a product that you place food in, set the timer, and then when it’s finished cooking, a small bell goes off alerting you that you may now enjoy your delectable meal. Hey ass-hole, it’s called a toaster oven, you can’t just make a catchy catchphrase and advertise in the wee hours of the morning, taking credit for an invention that existed years before you even dropped out of high school…. Oh no wait, never mind. I hate equally all you idiots who watch this crap and think, ‘HOLY SHIT!!!!! HOW HAVE I SURVIVED WITHOUT ONE OF THOSE!!!! Now I can stop setting it and then having to constantly worry. With this item, I can set it…AND FORGET IT.” God I hope you die. Everytime that commercial is on, I don’t need you to proclaim ‘AND FORGET IT,’ to prove how smart you are. You’re a dumb jackass… yeah, I get it. Man, I hate people.I swear some of the inventions that they advertise nowadays… it’s so ridiculous. At least the marketing professionals behind late night advertising know their target audience. At 2 o’clock in the morning the only commercials you see are for Hemorrhoid cream and depression pills. The best are the depressions pills:
“Do feel alone in the world? Stay up late at night, for no real reason? Do you always feel down, and lack purpose in your life?”
Well, if you didn’t before, you sure as hell will now. Anybody sitting up at 2 in the morning watching an infomercial for anti-depressants is gonna be depressed. We don’t care how long it takes for you to quickly go through the side effects, I wanna feel better… NOW! Bloody diarrhea? Hair Loss? Melting Skin and on rare occasion pregnancy? Who cares, gimme that number on more time.

My favorite is answering the rhetoric questions that every stupid ad asks me.
Ad: Do you have trouble vacuuming those hard to reach places?
Ving: No, my Pilipino does that for me
Ad: Looking for a pad that lets you move like a woman?
Ving: hmmm, lemme think…. NO!
Ad: Feeling not so fresh?
Ving: Smells armpits. Scowls. Goes to ‘Baby Blue 2’ and checks to make sure roommate is asleep while unzipping pants.

I’ve always wanted to just phone in and answer their rhetoric questions.
Operator: Hello, blah blah blah pharmaceuticals, how may I direct your call?
Ving: WHY YES!!! I am looking for a product that both cleans and protects.
*click*

Dumbass bastards. Whether they’re advertising a vaccuum cleaner, medication, or a blender, every infomercial is exactly the same. Enter over excited host describing how sexually frustrated he is that no item exists to vaccuum up thumbtacks/slice, dice, and chop all with the same tool/supress his suicidal thoughts. Enter overage but still hot female cohost explaining that such item DOES exist, cut to indescribable ecstasy reaction shot as host reaches climax from this new revelation. Somewhere throughout there will be the doubters who question the specific merits of the items, but boy oh boy will they be proven wrong. Holy Shit, you’ll find yourself thinking. I ALWAYS need to cut through empty aluminum cans!!!

The only semi-redeemable and acceptable infomercials are those soft core porn advertisements for what I can only assume is phone sex. Don’t act innocent, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Large breasted women standing on some rocks by the beach looking seductively into the camera while she feels herself up to upbeat romantic ‘80s ballads. Sure the women are dirty, homeless, and if you look close enough you can see the abortion scars, but dammit it’s late and you’re horny so you’re willing to look past their serious physical and emotional scars. I seriously feel like I’m contracting STD’s just watching these girls. I actually currently have this playing in the background right now and the girl is on her cell phone. No wait… that’s house phone with the cord removed…HAHAHHAHAHA, sorry, this show is too awesome. I don’t understand why she has to dance provocatively for me while on a cell phone. As if your audience is so stupid that they need you to show them how a phone works. Now you’re gonna get a flood of callers undressing and gyrating with ‘Dude Looks Like a Lady’ blasting in the background.



While we’re at it, fuck you George Forman. Congratulations on your boxing career, and all, but at what point in your career, did you decide that it was time to retire and start mass-manufacturing grills? His product is called the George Formans Lean Mean Fat Reducing Maching…. No that’s it, that’s the punch line. You better not be fucking enjoying reading this, because you and I both know you own one. Shit, I own one. I own two, and I want another one. I’ve never used it, neither have you, but dammit, this is a cool product endorsed by a cool guy, so better buy 8 dozen. For all we know these things are hollow, and don’t even work. George Forman: Manufacturing Super Genius.

So there you have it, I hate infomercials because they suck. If you disagree with me, that’s alright, you’re entitled to your opinion and I respect your right to have it. Unfortunately, you happen to be wrong, now go choke on chicken shit and die. Thanks.

Why I'm Single

The older I get and the more experience I have with the world, the more I begin to realize that people are all hypocrites, and woman are no exception. Women will bitch and complain about how men are so violent and stupid, all they care about is sex, and it’s unfair that we live in such a clear patriarchal society, and men will sit there listening, for one reason… woman have vaginas. I’ve sat and I’ve listened to Rosie O’Donnell and all the other women who blame men when things don’t go their way, and now it’s my turn to be heard. So ladies… SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Maya Angelou - Shut the fuck up
Martha Stewart - Shut the fuck up.
Jane Fonda - Shut the fuck up.
Every stupid female comedian who thinks their material is funny because they bitch about how unfair it is to be a woman, and only further your stereotype by making a caricature of a stupid loud mouthed woman. -Shut the fuck up… You’re annoying me and hurting your cause, fall into a pit somewhere and die. It should be a law that if you’re a woman whose name isn’t Sarah Silverman you can’t do standup… and if it’s Margaret Cho than you’re launched into the sun.

Whenever I hear a woman support feminism or complain that life’s unfair because she has breasts, I do one of two things.
1) I beat her to death, and then pull out her ovaries to make sure she never procreates-- you know, just for good measure. And then I cop a feel OR
2) I try to ignore her, because it’s not her fault, she’s probably just having her period. Besides, if I don’t agree with her opinion than I’m a sexist pig who doesn’t respect her, and therefore my opinion is wrong. Talk about a hypocritical double standard. Unfortunately, there’s nothing I can do about it because as stated above… she has the vagina.

Women, please for gods sake stop saying that if women ran the world it would be a happy peaceful place. It is scientifically proven that women are illogical, conniving, unnecessarily violent creatures for no real reason. Yeah, that’s right, I’ve seen ‘Mean Girls.’ There are women in politics, there was a female Prime Minister, Cleopatra, Helen of Troy, The goddamn Queen, give it a rest! The reason male figureheads run the world is because they are generally more suitable leaders and if women were in charge there would be a small war once a month. Note I did not say better, because it’s a well known fact that woman do in fact run the world (see: Vaginas). All this bitching and moaning about George Bush and Dick Cheney, two words ladies: Condoleeza Rice.Condoleeza Rice is the love child of Mike Tyson and Satan. She is a prime example of a point made by one of the great minds of our Millenium, Rush Limbaugh, who stated quite clearly:

“Feminism was established to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream of society.”

Wow, Mr. Limbaugh… wow. I’d bet you a million dollars he slept on the couch that night. Honestly, even I’m kinda offended by that. Nevermind, the thought of complaints I’m gonna get about this from the females I know (my mom) makes me even angrier. Fuck. FUCK. GODDAMMIT YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please understand that I am in full support of equality (REALLY!!!) and support the equal treatment of women…. If that’s what they really want. Unfortunately, as far as I can tell, woman do not want equality and fair treatment, they just want the good stuff. I say the next time you’re on a date and the check comes, go to the bathroom to powder your nose and let your date grab the check. Or better yet, start divvying it up right there and make her pay for her goddamm share. Stop holding doors open, and pulling out chairs. Chivalry is dead. Let that gut go, fart in public, have her make the first move, stop going to Chick Flicks, and stop being nice to woman. The fact of the matter is that woman don’t want to be treated equally, they want to pampered and cared for. They want their way paid, and things to be easy, as long as they’re granted the same benefits as men get. To quote my new god Rush Limbaugh once again:

“Feminists want to be treated as equals, but at the same time they want special treatment”

You wanna know the one major flaw in your plan, ladies?

All this being said, ladies, feminists, calm down. Female equality is clearly establishing itself, we’re not totally there yet, but we’re getting there. It’s not gonna completely happen tomorrow and you not wearing a bra and not shaving your armpits is not helping your cause. Yes, men don’t have to dress like this, so you shouldn’t have to, good point, if you don’t wanna wear a bra, I am in full support of your decision. (Most) Men don’t have breasts and that is the reason we don’t wear bras. They are not a curse, they are a blessing. You know that guy at the grocery store who carried your groceries to your car? And that nice stranger who held the door open for you? The nice man who helped you move and that guy who bought you those drinks? Well there are two reasons these ‘nice’ men did it for you… I’ll give you a hint: it starts with ‘B’ and ends in ‘oobies!!!!!!!’. If you think you’re making a statement by not wearing a bra, then you ma’am, are a fucking genious. In fact, bras should be banned from planet earth. Any woman caught wearing a bra is traitor and is to be stripped naked and tied up. In my basement.
Point two. Shave your armpits. That’s it, just shave them. Body hair is not attractive, that’s why men don’t fantasize about BigFoot.

If no woman wore makeup and nobody dressed sexy than society wouldn’t demand that you dress and look and act this way, but guess what? Woman do dress this way. Many woman like being looked at, they like being admired. They appreciate the genetic advantage that woman have over men, and while you may call some of these woman sluts, I call them intelligent business woman….. No I’m just kidding, they’re sluts, too. Any woman who intentionally looks bad and doesn’t shave should be fired out of a cannon straight into a brick wall. SPLAT, problem solved.

I was also gonna talk about racial double standards and hypocrisies with the African-American community, but that would be considered a hate crime and I don’t wanna get killed. However, at times it seems like I’m taking crazy pills. I mean seriously, does nobody else see anything wrong with two black men making a movie like this?

In conclusion, woman need to decide what they want. If you want totally equality then that’s cool. You stop suing for sexual harassment and we’ll stop slapping your ass. Stop cursing being a woman and accept and appreciate the natural benefits which it gives you. Embrace your breasts. If you’re gonna be a pain in the ass, decide what you want and don’t be a hypocrite. All that being said, I love woman, and if there’s any out there who would like to engage in sexual activities with moi, please e-mail me.

This is Today's Entry.

Guess what? There's no entry today... at least not yet. So, um, talk amongst yourselves.

I'll give you a topic:
Are Women entitled to the same rights as men?

I'll give you a hint. The answer is no.

Holy Crap It's Late. I'm Going to Bed.

Ving decides that even though it's way too late for himself to think coherently, it would be a wise decision to narrate himself making a blog entry. He sits silently for a moment considereing what to type, and then in a flash of brilliance dictates his thoughts and actions in what can only be described as a work of art. In a futil attempt to describe the sheer beauty of what he has written, he realizes that this action is futile. How can you describe the Mona Lisa? or the roof of the Cystelline Chapel. Ving begins to wonder if he spelled Cystelline right, or Chapel for that matter. Upon deciding that he has, in fact, misspelled it, he wonders if such a thing even exists.

Ving's train of thought is interrupted my an MSN message from his brother, Andy:

Andy says:
check it out

Ving wonders what exactly Andy is referring to as he types all this down in his blog. He then waits for a further explanation.....
.......
.......
.............................upon realizing that Andy does not think logically and probably has said everything that he had intended on saying, Ving attempt to further the conversation:

Ving says:
HAHAHAHAHAH, I'm narrating my life on my blog, and now you're in it
Ving says:
goddammit I'm sexy

Ving types, "Ving types"... he then realizes this sentence makes sense, just in time for Andy's response:

Andy says:
yay
Andy says:
now look at this convo im having

Andy then sends Ving a file which Ving declines out of spite. Ving then begins laughing uncontrollably. Andy calls Ving an asshole. Ving runs out of things to say. Ving looks down at his flaccid penis. He looks back at the monitor. Back at his peni-- a new MSN message from AngryDrunk.
Why is everyone still awake? Ving ponders to himself. He then responds to AngryDrunk's email, deciding not to write what he wrote. Ving appreciates Irony and a sense of mystery.

Forrest Gump was a good movie, Ving types onto Blogger. Ving wonders if he could rip himself open from the belly button. He looks down the investigate, but again is distracted by penis. He remembers it's Valentine's day and decides not to touch himself, afraid that he may chuch. Ving contemplates describing what Chuching is, but decides against it.

Ving changes his mind: Chuching is when you cry while you masterbate. Ving types.

Ving shivers, he is cold. Ving contemplates putting on clothes and screaming as loud as he can to wake up his baby brother, then throwing his stepmom down the stairs when she comes to tend to him. Ving realizes his stepmom will read this so he says that he never actually had this intention.

I never really had this intention.

The fact that this is not as funny or entertaining as the concept seemed to him 2 minutes ago enters Ving's mind. Ving decides that it's time to stop writing this piece of trash. He thinks of good way of ending, when all of a sudden he stops writing.

EDIT #1: This is no longer live commentary. My brother re-offered the file, and I accepted it. I thought I'd share my brother's brilliance with you:

Click on it to make it open BIGGER in another window. Or this one. I don't know. Now I'm going to bed. Jesus Christ, the things I do for you people.

Get Off My Road

Last year there were approximately 42 636 car related deaths in the United States alone. This alarming statistics only confirms what I have suspected since first acquiring my license, nobody but me can drive. Take that whopping number of over 42 000 deaths in one year alone, and compare it to my number of deaths in my 3 years of driving: 0. That’s right, I have NEVER died in a car accident, in fact, I’ve never even been involved in a collision (at least not an unintentional one). Face it people, these alarming statistics speak for themselves, I’m the only human being in the history of time who can drive.

I don’t know what’s more disturbing the fact that all you idiots decide to get your license, the fact that the government gives them to you, or the fact that god allows this chaos to continue. Seriously, there are just some people out there who should not be allowed on the road. I propose that a new driving test be administered that is nothing more than a checklist:

If any of the boxes are left unchecked than you fail. In fact, if any of the boxes are left unchecked than they feed you to a lion because chances are you're an idiot anyways. I honestly believe that you should not drive if you’re asian, old, really short, or think that spending double what you paid for your piece of shit car on spinners and wings makes you cool. I’m sorry if it offends anybody but I always thought that the belief that Asians can’t drive was a stereotype, I now realize that it’s not a stereotype if it’s true. Hell, maybe I’m wrong (HAHAHHAHAHAHAH, not likely) but for safety’s sake, sell your Honda and get a bicycle.

There used to be a custom in Japan that when people got old they used to be brought up to the mountains to die. Actually, maybe not, maybe I’m just making it up, you have no way of knowing, so just assume everything I tell you is true. Anyways, I think this custom should be brought into effect right here in North America. Also, they should bring back that show with the puppets I used to watch when I was a little kid, you know the one that they made a stupid movie out of and totally ruined it… Thunderbirds, I think it was called. Also, Team America was cool too, I like puppets. What does this have to do with driving you ask? To hell if I know.


I guess the point is that old people should not be allowed to drive. I can’t stand being stuck behind somebody driving their old pinto at the square root of the speed limit. I have nothing but respect for the elderly (I’m lying) but you need to either drive faster, get taller, or go to the mountains to die. General rule of thumb: if you can’t see over the steering wheel, DON’T DRIVE!

What really bothers me about old drivers is that they’re always the first to bitch and complain about the youth being responsible for accidents nowadays. I’m sure when you were younger and creatures finally evolved to take the form of horses, the elderly of that day blamed you for all the horse crashes, well they were wrong and so are you. Even if a large majority of accidents are from young drivers, it’s not because they’re young, it’s because they’re new to driving, and whenever you begin to learn you’re gonna have trouble. Therefore, your solution is to eliminate the art of driving. I’ve got an even better suggestion, go buy a coffin, lay down in it, and wait for the sweet release of deaht. Or if you're really impatient you can drive a stake through your heart, because it’s a scientific fact that everybody over the age of 65 is a vampire.

Don’t take this wrong way, I’m not trying to pick on old people, I don’t think anybody other than me should be allowed to drive. I don’t know if this really actually applies if you’re not on the highway or if I just made it up, but either way it should be obeyed. The left lane is the passing lane, so if everybody’s passing you (see: old people) then get the hell out of that lane, goddamm it. Oh, and when you change lanes, SIGNAL. Somewhere along the line society deemed it not ‘cool’ to signal, and so people, being the sheep that you are, decided that moving a finger 2 inches to potentially save your life just wasn’t worth the effort. From now on every time I see somebody turn or change lanes without signaling, I’m going to kill a puppy.
WHAM!!! Right into the wood chipper.

I was also planning on writing about drive-thrus and other idiots with automobiles, but quite franly, I'm afraid if I write any more my head will explode so I’m done. I’m gonna go see if there are any channels that still play Thunderbirds. Oh, and happy fucking valentines day.

The Toddler Tirade

I have a baby brother under one years old, and for the most part he’s pretty well behaved as far as babies go, but there are time, like RIGHT NOW when he just won’t shut up. As I type this article he is screaming full blast downstairs, which brings me to todays topic:

I HATE BABIES.

They’re tiny, self-obsessed, crying, poop machines. Just another target for companies to sell their shit to. That 4 dollar ping pong ball sized bottle of baby food you’re eating…yeah, that’s apple sauce. Stop bitching and eat it before I punt you off the balcony. All seriousness aside, why do babies think they have the right to scream at the top of their lungs because they don’t want the blue ball, they want the red one.

WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You stopped singing stupid songs for half a second, oh my god I can’t take these milliseconds of non-activity, this is the worst pain ever.

WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Second of all, babies are stupid. Try having a baby write up your Econ. Report, or file your taxes, they can’t, they’re just too dumb. They’re not just stupid like the 47 year old hippie in your 3rd year university classes, who was too busy shooting heroine and supporting his illegitimate illiterate children to do things right and now he thinks he has the right to come back, clogging up the already screwy education system and try again, well guess what buddy, it’s too late and it’s my turn now, so get the fuck out of my school, and go home to your bachelor apartment, and janitorial job at the closest Arby’s before I beat the shit out of you and rip off your Cheech and Chong beard and tie dye shirt, it’s 2006 and you’re a failure, wake up to the real world, before I KILL YOU, YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER.--



Where was I? Oh right… babies are stupid, just not like that guy. Babies don’t even try, they’re more than happy to sit around wasting away in their own crapulence murmuring incoherent phrases and torturing the cat all day. But then again, why should we expect them to desire to transcend themselves? It’s not like we motivate them. We’re more than happy to buy them toys and laugh and giggle and say “oh, how cute” every time a baby craps himself. Well I say we put an end to this insolent parenting and start teaching babies to be men (even the girls), and I’ve got just the answer: Baby Boot Camp. Force them to fight each other and support themselves. It’ll be grueling, hard work, and if your baby isn’t up to the challenge, then they feed him to a bear…. Or something. If you can’t afford this luxury, then just leave him in the woods or something, and when/if he comes back, he’ll be coming back a man.


I don’t know what babies have to cry about anyways, their lives are pretty sweet. When was the last time you saw a full grown man shit himself, then throw his favorite ‘toy’ across the room, only to have people giggle and comment on how precious his butt is? Listen, if there are any babies reading this right now, I propose a swap. I’m gonna play on the floor with toys all day, have your mommy wipe my ass, feed, and bathe me, and you can write this stupid blog. While you do it, I’ll be screaming as loud as I can for no goddamm reason!

God I hate babies. Thank god I never was one.

Couldn't Think of a Good Title, but the Entry Still Kicks Ass

I’ve been interacting and viewing people for a while now, and I’ve decided that most people are idiots, and not worthy of my time. Here’s a test to tell if I like you, go get a mirror. Is the person looking back at you me? If the answer is no, then I probably don’t like you. I’m sorry for any traumatic effects this may have on your psyche, but it’s the truth. I don’t like you. I don’t like your parents, I don’t like your friends, I don’t like your haircut. I don’t like your clothes, or your car, or that shitty music you listen to, I just plain old fashioned don’t like you. It’s nothing personal, everybody else is equally as stupid as you, even I do most of the things that I hate you for, however my general expertise in the field of kicking ass overcomes all flaws that we share, thus making me better than you. The following is a list of things that I would rather shove into my ass, without lube, than be you:
-A bowling bal
-a baby tiger
-Vernon Troyer (Mini-me)
-a computer monitor
-you
-George W. Bush
-Encyclopedia Britannica Volumes 5-17
-Anybody who owns an Xbox
-Michigan
-The Batmobile
-A roast beef sandwich
-a full set of knives
-Price is Right anchor Bob Barker
-lots more stuff

You know what it is that pisses me off the most? Everybody is so full of shit. I was originally planning on writing about all the things that people do that I also do that pisses me off, but then I remembered that I’m perfect, and thus nothing I do could possibly piss me off, unless the thing I’m trying to do is piss myself off in which case I would succeed because I’m perfect. Some people might call me conceded, those people are wrong, it’s basic science.

I understand that people tell lies all the time, “it’s a part of life. “You’re blog is good,” “People will like you if you just be yourself,” “I love you,” “I didn’t do it,” “I have no idea where you could’ve gotten that rash,” it all comes with the territory. But some people tell such trivial lies that it’s ridiculous. For example, why is masturbation such a big secret? Why is it so taboo? I don’t get it. Guys and girls do it, guys MUCH more often, yet there seems to be some big unspoken rule not to discuss it. Well, let me get this out of the way, readers, friends, mom & dad,


There I said it, I masturbate. I spank the monkey, I choke the chicken, I jack off, I stroke my stranger, I answer the bone-a-phone, I beat the bishop, I charm the cobra, I crank the shank, I drain the main vein, and I pop the purple pimple. Why can’t people talk about this shit? Seriously, I’m sick and tired of hearing bull shit excuses, and made up alibis. Why can’t people be honest and have more conversations like this:

Jim: So Todd, what did you do last night?
Todd: I squeezed the cream from the flesh twinkie, how about you?
Jim: I hung out with Rosie Palmer and her 5 sisters. (Think about it)

Or for females

Betty: So Rebecca, what you up to tonight?
Rebecca: I’m gonna feed the bearded clam, how about you?
Betty: Two finger taco tango
Rebecca: Why don’t you come over and we’ll experiment, you know I’m bi.
Betty: Me too, let’s invite Ving, he’s so much better than us
Betty and Rebecca go at it right then and there using--

What was I talking about? Beating up people smaller than you? Are you sure, that doesn’t sound right. I‘m sorry, you wouldn’t lie, so back to abusing children and midgets. I don’t think there’s anything more satisfying than the feeling you get when you hit somebody smaller than you square in the teeth. The beauty of it is, usually they start shit, I don’t’ know why, or the science behind it, but the smaller a person is, the more aggressive they generally tend to be. I don’t know why they do this, it’s like challenging a Chinese person to a game of ping pong, sure you might impressive your friends or whoo the ladies with the size of your cojones, but in the end you’re gonna get your ass handed to you on a silver platter. Seriously, nobody beats an Asian at ping-pong… except Forrest Gump, but that was just a movie.


Beating children is like a national past-time, I was born around the time that child abuse was on the outs and never got to experience it first hand, but I’m beginning to realize that my generation is a bunch of sissies…except me… I rock. Seriously, from what I can tell beating your kids was effective, and in the case of Red Forman from ‘That 70s Show,’ hilarious. I’ve been brought up through guilt and pressure, don’t take this the wrong way because my parents are the best, hands down. My dad could kick your mom’s ass* any day, but I can think of a time or two that I deserved to be clocked for something I did or said.

I’ve become impervious to the guilt-trip, and refuse to be suckered into anything (sorry ladies) due to the way society shuns, and police officers arrest people who beat children. Which brings me back to my original point: parents, stop bullshitting with your kids and be straight forward with them. Stop talking out of your ass and start beating theirs. Be honest with your children and stop trying to manipulate them, and maybe they’ll stop giving you so much shit, and start beating their wives. Holy shit, I can’t believe I actually brought this rant full circle and got back to my original point, I truly am amazing, I should be named Pope or something, I’m so much better than you. Fuck! I just did it again, this is amazing writing, I should get a Pulitzer or Humanitarian Peace Prize or be Knighted or something.

Anyways, I’m gonna go beat up some children or something, then I’ll probably masturbate. Maybe I’ll do both at the same time just to really teach those punks a lesson.



*Credited to: www.tshirthell.com

I Love You. Sincerely, Hallmark.

Well it’s almost Valentines day, and being a man with no girlfriend or relationship of any kind, with no potential romantic interests on the horizon I take it as my personal responsibility to write to you on the subject. So grab your loved one and hold them tight as I tell you why:

VALENTINE’S DAY IS BULLSHIT.

Women need to understand that the only reason this holiday exists is because men know that if we don’t buy you chocolate and little $7 paper card for you to prove we care, you will literally eat our balls. If it was up to men, you think we would have this stupid holiday? Here’s a comparison of the male and female mind:
And yes, when women think about ‘The Notebook’ they spell it wrong. Somehow women got the impression that love is only expressed through romantic ballads and actions, little do they realize that these moments and lines from the movies are written by a fat guy eating corn chips in front of his computer monitor, probably not wearing pants, with lesbian porn playing 7 feet away on his 12” television, at the foot of his single bed in his one room, boxed shape, bachelor’s apartment. Cupid, with his beer belly and semi-hard on. But hey, if Ryan Gosling says it then it must be romantic.

Chances are most, if not ALL women (and men) don’t even know the story behind Valentines Day, allow me to enlighten you. Around 260 A.D a man named Valentinius was imprisoned for his Christian beliefs. While in prison he restored the sight of his jailers blind daughter, and the night before he was killed he wrote a note to her and signed it, ‘From your Valentine.’ Hang in there, I’m almost done. Later, in Rome people would gather on February 14th to honor Juno, the pagan goddess of love and marriage by drawing names out of a hat and marrying whoever you end up getting. Awwwwwwwww, isn’t that romantic? They randomly chose somebody and married that person in spite of the fact that they probably have never even met that him or her. Let’s celebrate random marriages chosen by luck regardless of the participants by buying women chocolate and cards that tell them how much we love them only one day of the year, instead of actually having a romantic relationship, where we don’t rely on commercialism to express how we feel about each other. Boy oh boy, I sure do love Valentines Day.

I have nothing against romance, I think every women should be complimented on her hair, or how good she looks while she does my laundry and bakes me pie, but love is a 365 days a year thing, not a one day a year thing. Or so I hear. Men buy women candy, chocolates, and take them out for dinner to show them they love them by letting their women get fat. Guys, my suggestion for you is to get those liqeur chocolates and a strong wine/champagne. Get your woman drunk and then you can do things to her. Happy Valentines Day, you‘ve got Chlamydia and won‘t be able to sit down for a month.

Speaking of consumerism, why are Valentines Day Cards so popular? Starting in Grade School we used to be forced to bring in shitty cards with an elephant, or bumblebee on it and give them to the people we liked. Segregation starts early nowadays, I still remember the mentally disabled kid sitting alone at his desk picking his nose and eating his boogers while we all exchanged cards. The best were the ones with Batman or something on them, because nothing says ‘Be my Valentine’ like a middle aged man in spandex.

When you grow up you give away ‘adult cards’.
“Just in case you can’t tell I love you, I bought you this card to express how I feel. I don’t tell you I love you enough, so here’s a card with a picture of two cute bunnies saying it. Will you touch my penis now?”
Here’s an actual Valentines Day card from Hallmark.

What the fuck does a cat have to do with anything? Seriously, did my parents just never teach me about the seductive powers of upside down cats? Does the fact that there’s a cute kitty on the card make the woman not realize that the guy bought that card on his way over? Maybe it’s just a subtle allegory to the fact that all we want for Valentines day is a little pussy.

To counter-balance all the stupid bullshit that Valentine’s Day is all about, I have decided to make some realistic and honest Valentine’s Day cards, not for profit like all those merchandising bastards, but because I genuinely care. Please feel free to use these ideas, but don’t blame me when your woman leaves you for someone smart enough to not take advice from a blog:







There you go, use ‘em or don’t use ‘em, I don’t really care. I’ve got some porn and crying myself to sleep to tend to. Happy Valentines Day.

Brokeback Mountain a Remake?

Rocky III should be nominated for an academy award. Yeah, that’s right, not because it’s a great movie, far from it, simply because of it’s homosexual content. I’m sure it comes as no surprise to you that this years Oscars ceremony has more gay participants than an episode of Frasier. Brokeback Mountain, Capote, and George Clooney are all nominated for awards, and I say we add Rocky Balboa to that list. I watched this movie last night and at moments I was under the impression that I was watching Brokeback Mountain II. This movie had more fags than a British Cigar Shop. Don’t believe me? Here are some Screen shots from the film:


Maybe I just don’t understand ‘80s fashion, but come on! Look at that shirt, I don’t even know how to make a joke here, that’s the most ridiculous get up I’ve ever seen. If I saw a 12 year old girl wearing that outfit I’d call her a slut, and judge her parents. Only sluts dress like Apollo Creed. Even gayer was right after this shot, Apollo pranced down the beach to embrace Rocky, they then 69’ed each other. Here, check this one out:


This is the final confrontation between Rocky and Apollo. The ref read the rules while Rocky and Clubber Lang made out, they then proceeded with a dance off. Apollo won because Rocky broke down when, upon reflection, the grief from Bambi‘s mother‘s death became too much too handle.

Here, tell me if you see anything gay about this next pic, other than the jovial black man giggling at Rocky’s form and Apollo checking out his ass:



No? Nothing? Here, take another look:


APOLLO’S WEARING A RAINBOW SHIRT. I’m completely convinced that Apollo is a flaming homo, not that there’s anything wrong with that. I say that because there really is nothing wrong with it, not because persecuting Apollo would be a hate crime. Anyways, this next pic isn’t really gay, it just sickens me. Here, Rocky is pimping off his wife to her brother, it’s just nasty. Unfortunately, in this scene, along with the entire movie, everything Rocky says sounds like a 9 month old murmuring incomprehensible statements:


Note to Sylvester Stallone: Hire a dialect coach. Oh, and stop writing, this scene was disturbing and disgusting. Not only did they say this in the scene, but I didn’t even add anything, those voice bubbles were actually visible in the film.

If somehow you’re still not convinced, this picture should do the trick. I swear it is not touched up or altered in any way, this is exactly how it appeared in the film. Go watch it if you don’t believe me, the full scene is even gayer:


There is nothing I could possibly do to that picture to make it any gayer… well… maybe one or two things:


The only heterosexual element of this film was the presence of the always bad-ass Mr. T:


Mr. T is the most masculine man since the creation of Chuck Norris. If you’re a man reading this you clearly admire him, and if you’re a woman, you clearly want him. Let it be pointed out that directly after taking this picture he snapped the necks of both those Muppets, then ate the photographer for good measure. Actually, Mr. T is so much of a man, that I think he probably counters the homosexuality of this movie. Yeah, come to think of it, Mr. T is so hardcore that this movie itself is manly and badass.

Please ignore this article, sorry for wasting your time.

How I Made David Lynch Retire

Today was a wild day. I was driving down the freeway to my doctor’s appointment when some jerk face in a BMW (everybody who drives a BMW is in fact, a jerk face) cuts me off. I swerved out of the way and pulled up next to him to give him the finger. He saw this and swerved into me, trying to knock me off the fucking road. I slammed on the brakes and the guy behind me clipped my bumper, this pissed me off. I pulled up behind the cum dumpster in the BMW and eased on the gas, letting him think that he had won. I then slammed my fist down on the red button, activating my newly installed Defense System. Sliding my headlights to the side, my car launched two football sized heat seeking missiles at the asshole in front of me, launching his car 10 feet in the air in an explosion of fire and bloody limbs. Asshole.

By the time I arrived at the doctor’s office I was 5 minutes late. Sprinting to the front door, some hairy, homeless, mess of a man asked me for change.
“Do you have any spare change” he inquired
“Why yes I do, thanks for checking” I responded, before I kicked him in the nuts so hard his head exploded .I took $1.07 from his little cardboard cup and ran through the front of the building, counting my newfound change. Upon realizing how little was there, I broke the neck of a little kid as I ran by, Steven Seagal would’ve been proud. I eventually arrived at the receptionists desk, where I was informed that my appointment had been delayed by an hour, because the doctor had broken his leg. After a moment of thought, I picked up her computer and broke it over her head killing her instantaneously, several people in the waiting room died of shock. I then ripped off the front door of the doctors office throwing it through the windown, and barged in, where surely enough the doctor was sitting there, having his leg examined. I snapped it back into place and at knife point he examined me. Taking my temperature, he informed me that I had a temperature of 109 degrees and should be in bed. I then enlightened the ignorant bastard.

“IF VING GET SICK, YOU GET DEAD!!!”

I then impaled him with the doctor that was examining his leg and left with his head in a baggie. On the way home I burned down an orphanage and nuked Minnesota. Parking my car at rez, I made my way to Bethune, where I encountered a Goth kid whipping his hair out of his eyes and hating life. I decided that I cannot stand to see somebody so angry with the world, and had to take action. While I made this decision, a planet was discovered and named after me, and Pamela Anderson tattooed my name on her breasts. Being the caring humanitarian that I am, I went over to the EMO boy and had a little chat with him. Our conversation was as follows:




After this encounter I decided that I did not feel like going back to rez, so I transformed myself into a giant gorilla and destroyed the residence. I then ran amok in New York City, falling in love and eventually climbing the Empire State Building, where airplanes from the 1950’s were sent to shoot me down. I fought them as hard as I could but eventually lost my balance and fell. Thankfully I transformed back into myself, and right before I hit the ground, Superman swept in and saved me.

Superman flew me to his planet of Krypton, where he we played a game of ‘Life’ which became so heated I had no choice but to disembowel him. Apparently the forces of Irony are doubled on Krypton. Being the man who killed Superman, the Kryptonians brought me to the King of the Galaxy. The king told me to make myself at home, and asked if I wanted anything to eat. I said yes, I would love a full Lemon Meringue Pie, but when they brought it to me it was a slice of Apple Crumble Pie. This infuriated me, so I picked up the knife and played a game of catch with the King of the Universe’s face. I know what you’re thinking, “Certainly the King of the Universe would not be killed by a knife to the face,” however you are wrong. Naturally I was then named the new King of the Galaxy and given unparalleled power unto all.

And so, my first order of business, after beating god in a tug-of-war to prove my masculinity, is to demand that David Lynch stops making movies. Thank you for your time.


The above mentioned story is based entirely on true events.

Well It's February, Time to Kill Yourself.

Well, February has begun, and with Reading Week just around the corner, National Student Suicide Month is well under way. That’s right, the suicide rates at University increase significantly in the month of February, and to deter students from slitting their throats they celebrate it as a national holiday, giving us a week off and naming the month after us killing ourselves. So, if you’re a student and you’re considering killing yourself, now’s the time to do it.

Don’t get me wrong, I think suicide is terrible and stupid. Maybe I’m just naïve and my life is just too awesome for me to understand your angst, but I can foresee no reason to justify killing yourself. If you’re dumb enough to want to kill yourself, I will literally kill you. But there it is folks, Ving does not approve of killing yourself, so if you really want my respect keep living.

In celebration of this joyous, monumental event CaptainRoommate and I watched the Virgin Suicides last night which, suffice to say, kicked fucking ass. This along with the knowledge that last February somebody tried to kill themselves by jumping down a garbage chute inspired me to write a list of cool ways to kill yourself. I am not encouraging you to kill yourself, DO NOT DO IT. It’s just that if you’re going to end your life anyways, I wouldn’t want you doing something as retarded as jumping down a garbage chute. With that in mind, please do not try the following:

Decapitiation.
Grusome, messy, disgusting, and fucking cool are just some adjectives to describe a good ol’ fashioned decapitation. Nothing says, ‘I’m too cool for this world’ like your head in a basket. Better yet, cut it off, but leave it on your shoulders, maybe that way somebody will have an entire conversation with you without realizing your even dead! Imagine the shock on your loved ones face when they tap you on the shoulder and your head falls on their Persian carpet and rolls under the couch. For added comedic relief, dress up like a clown before you do it.
Swallow a Grenade.
Just picture the mess. This is probably the most manly way to kill yourself. Swallow the grenade, and pronounce, “That’s a spicy a-meatball.” People will find it hilarious… you know-- until you explode.



Hijack a plane and fly it into a building.
On second thought.. This ones not very funny.



Eat a Ridiculous Amount of Chocolate.
If you gotta die, why not go out eating delicious milky cocoa? I know eating yourself to death would probably be the pain equivalent of pissing a basketball, but dammit if your family doesn’t laugh when they read that your autopsy report claims your cause of death as: “Death by Chocolate.”


Don’t cut your wrists.
Cutting your wrist with a razor is not only ineffective but a pussy thing to do. If you’re gonna take that route, do it like a man and just cut the entire hand off. If you have a roommate, or somebody else that would be around, be sure to close the door, and after doing it proclaim:

“Ow, shit, I cut myself shaving.”

Then casually walk out of the bathroom without hands. You and the other person will probably start laughing, then you’ll shit your pants and die.



Act like a Zombie.
Cut your face up and put on some makeup so you look like a Zombie, then chase a family member or a stranger around acting like you want to eat them. They’ll laugh at first but keep going. If you catch them, take a bite out of them, I mean really get into it, make them believe. If you can convince that person that you really are a zombie trying to kill them, then they’ll have no choice but to kill you. Maybe they’ll impale you with something, that would cool.


However you decide to kill yourself, find a good taxidermist first. Be sure not to let your corpse go to waste, stuff yourself, and give your body away to a friend or family member. Your life may have been a waste, but at least you can be a nice coat rack or statue in your afterlife. Until next time, this is Ving, wishing you good luck in whichever approach you choose….

… oh, and don’t kill yourself, even if it is February.

My Dinner (Convo) with Andre (Laura)

Last night CaptainRoommate made the terrible mistake of sending me the email of some girl he was talking to on MSN. Obvoiusly, I decided to charm her, the following are snippets of our conversation. She’s in love with me now.

Being conscientious and wanting her to know what she’s getting in for, I began the conversation
Ving: let me just make one thing clear before you fall in love me, I'm better and smarter than you ,there's no point in trying, you'll only fail

I said something in regards to my awesome-ness.
Laura: well aren't you the cocky little fucker
Ving: no, I'm insecure and ashamed. I exxaggerate and act wild as a defense mechanism against the cold and cruel world. Daddy, why don't you love me?

Somewhere else in the convo.
Ving: I agree... but you're a woman. And women aren't people, they are objects created by our lord and saviour for our (men's) amusement. Now shut your mouth and go bake me a pie
Ving: but then throw it out, 'cause you probably can't bake for shit

She somehow found something I said repulsive and offensive. Uptight brat.
Laura: how about you get your head out from up your ass unless its already too far jammed up there and realize what a fucking psycho you're being.
Ving: listen, first of all, it's not phsyically possible for my head to be UP my ass, if I was that flexible, I would be getting myself off pretty much 24/7. Second of all.... I forget where I was, but the point is........ who are you again?

I said something along the lines of ‘I won’t be caught dead socializing with a Nazi’
Laura: and what makes you think i'd be caught socializing with you?
Ving: see that little bar at the side of those words that magically appeared beside those strange letters? if you move that up you can find our msn history..... If you go high up enough, you can find a comment about me being smarter than you

I used the word rhetoric, and she, being the idiot that she is (see: woman) misspelled it in her comeback.
Laura: you clearly don't know how to use the word "rehtoric"
Ving: you’re right, i only know how to use real words

I continued to charm her
Laura: dont you have something better to do than talk to some high school girl on your roommates msn?
Ving: no, I told you. I'm pathetic and alone. I have low self esteem and enjoy pissing people off. I'm emo in every sense of the word. play me some elliot smith, and I'll slit my wrists, just as long as you don't leave me alone in this cold harsh world... DON'T TURN YOUR BACK ON ME DADDY, I STILL LOVE YOU
Ving: and wait a minute, you're in high school?..... whoa! that would be illegal... stay away devil woman!

We got to talking about how when I’m old, my skin loosens and my package looks bigger.
Laura: ill hook you up with my grandpa then
Ving: you're your grandpa's pimp... that's fucking gross.... is his package HUGE or something?
Laura: haven't seen it actually, but if what you say is true, it must be
Ving: you close your eyes, huh? alright, fine... how does it taste?
Laura: you're fucking sick
Ving: hey, I'm not the one giving my grandpa hummers in the backyard with my eyes closed, testing out the material before you sell it elsewhere
Ving: that's fucking sick. you're fucking sick.

This one’s not very good, I dunno why I included it
Laura: way to go
Ving: me or jesus? because things didn't end great for jesus
Laura: if you're not careful you may meet a similar fate
Ving:are you threatening to crucify me? because it's time we put an end to jew on jew violence.
Laura: no, but there are some crazy people out there
Ving: mexicans?
Ving: because that's rude and offensive
Laura: of course not. generally speaking, there are weirdos in the world
Ving: what's his name? I'll kick his ass

I think I said I’d rather have a million dollars than spend a week in hell
Laura: well then you're a shallow jerk
Ving: well than you're a shallow jerk
Ving: well than you're a shallow jerk
Ving: well than you're a shallow jerk
Ving: now call me immature, I get off on that shit

The conversation began to bore me, so I put and end to it, and we parted ways.
Ving: listen, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a stupid bitch

I know I’m smooth. Just goes to show, don’t bother arguing with me, you’re just gonna look stupid. Oh well… she’s in love with me.

I h8 stoopidness

I hate stupidity. I know, it’s ironic… good one, you stupid jackass. CaptainRoomate asked me to define ‘Sport’ so being the quick thinking activist that I am, I quickly opened Mozilla Firefox (yes, I’m one of those) and attempted to go to www.dictionary.com. Unfortunately I spelled dictionary wrong and couldn’t access the site. Perfect, I thought, I’ll just check the spelling at dictionary.com… oh no wait, I can‘t get to the site, because I CAN’T FUCKING SPELL DICTIONARY. This got me thinking about all the stupid things that piss me off. Where do I begin?

I hate those stupid pop-ups that constantly sneak up on me warning me that I have spy ware on my computer. Really, I do? Oh, well I better click on this popup that somehow not only found its way onto my computer but found out that I have spy ware. OR maybe this is the goddamm spy ware that it’s warning me about. What pisses me off even more are the idiots who click on these popups and then confused and desperate to find a reason why their computer is now worse off than it was before, returns to these popup downloads for more help. This ultimately ends in one of two scenarios. 1) Your computer gets fucked up beyond repair and you ditch it and start the cycle again, or 2) If we’re lucky, you kill your stupid self.

I also hate the show 24, and everybody who watches it religiously. Let me save you all some suspense and summarize this season for you. Jack Bauer kills some people, terrorist situation arrises... probably involving middle easterns, Jack Bauer kills more people, important character dies, Jack Bauer avenges important character, old killed/fired/deported character returns, Bauer kills more people, saves the hostages in the nick of time. There, I saved you all 24 stupid hours. Jack Bauer will kill the bad guys. He will victorious, and he will not die. I love the convenience that all problems are solved within 24 hours, but not before that 24th hour. Just once I’d love to see Bauer solve the case by Hour #3 and then 19 episodes of him doing his laundry, and picking his ass. Of course, I will never see this, because I’d rather feed my eyeballs to a homeless junkie than watch this trash. I wish I was in the boardroom when they came up with this bright idea.

Exec. #1: Let’s have a show, where the good guy never dies, and saves people.
Exec. #2: BRILLIANT!!!!
Exec. #3: Wait, can we have lots of explosions and a ridiculous body count?
Exec. #1: Of course
Exec. #2: BRILLIANT!!!!!
Exec. #4: Can we go split screen for no reason and then rearrange the split screens around the screen until the viewer wants to puke?
Exec. #1: Of Course
Exec. #2: BRILLIANT!!!!!!
Exec. #5: Good session guys, lets go get some Thai food and then rape and kill some hookers.
Unanimous Laughter from all.

I hate the JewFro. You know what I’m talking about, I’m not even gonna explain it to you. In fact, I hate pretty much every male a year or more younger than me. Why did everybody decide that there should be one haircut that everybody sports. The afro was hip, the hippy long hair was cool, even Gerry curls made me laugh, but what in gods name are you trying to accomplish by keeping medium length curly hair that you don’t take care of? What inspired today’s youth to go for the ‘Weird Al’ look. I know he’s funny and cool, but jesus christ people, his most successful album was called ‘Bad Hair Day’… can’t you take a hint? Cut your hair, take a shower, put on jeans instead of those sweatpants, and come talk to me about ‘cool.’

I hate everybody stupider than me, and yes this includes you. I know what you’re thinking you dumb jerk, ‘Stupider isn’t a word.’ Well guess what, it’s my blog, and I just made it a word, deal with it. Let me just clear something up now. Don’t correct me, I’m smarter than you. In the end you will be proven wrong and just make me look smarter and you dumber, so shut up.

Did you vote? You should really vote. Today’s young people really don’t vote enough. It’s easy to vote. If you care you should vote. SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!! Last time I checked we’re voting on a democracy, and living in a democracy it is my right to choose if I want to vote or not. If I don’t care who our leader is, I’m not voting. If I wanted my vote to have no real say in who is the leader of our country, then I would move to Cuba… or America. Politicians don't try to sell themselves to my democraphic, they just try to make us feel stupid if we don't vote. I'll make you a deal, you start caring about me, and I'll start caring about whether you win or not. The most persuasive campaign for me to vote came on an episode of South Park. P. Diddy was trying to coax children to vote, with his ‘Vote or Die’ campaign, and created a marketing campaing that was as follows:

P. Diddy: Shake ‘dem titties when you vote bitch. Shove my jimmie through your roof mouth.

You've come a long way Mr. Combs. Compelling stuff Puff Daddy. Compelling stuff.

But I digress, I think I’ll go read some encyclopedias and do some calculus or something…. never mind, Frasier is on TV, I think I’ll check that out.