What the fuck happened to….
HANSON:
You may recognize Hanson from such hits as ‘Mmmmbop,’ and if you recognize any other songs of theirs, than you’ll be glad to know that the Hanson brothers are still touring. Yup, they’re still at it producing hits like, well--’Mmmmbop.’ Unfortunately Taylor Hanson hit puberty causing his voice to drop 2 octaves, and their success as a “boy” band, well…. dwindled. Don’t be surprised if they decide to grow their hair back out and pose as a Girl Group unaware that that fad has indeed, ended. Oh well, at least they can live happy knowing that they produced such great hits as…..”Mmmmbop.”COCAINE: Remember cocaine? Neither do I, I was born into Generation X (fuck you MT
V), but I’m sure my parents do. Cocaine used to be the drug. Nowadays, all you ever hear about is Marijuana, I mean what kind of pussy ass shit is that? You’re smoking a plant!! For Christ’s sake, it’s legal in parts of Canada and….elsewhere. Hospitals give that shit out. You don’t see Cancer patients with catheters full of heroine, pumping through their bodies, or the sick doing lines of coke in the bathroom stalls. I say we replace medicinal marijuana with cocaine, sure it wouldn’t be practical of make any sense, but imagine how much fun it would be to be sick. Come on people, you saw ‘Patch Adams’ if that movie taught us anything it’s that as long as you die laughing, good riddance… and also that Robin Williams just isn’t as funny when he’s patronizing fatally ill children. What was I talking about? Oh right, cocaine. It’s still there, you just have to ask a hobo, or wall street broker.MR. T: Who gives a shit? Move the fuck on!
BLACK PEOPLE ON TV: I’m not talking about these token b
lack actors (see: Mr T) I’m talking about all-out black people with their own T.V shows. Family Matters, now that show was hilarious for several reasons (see: cocaine) but most of all, it was educational. Back when I was younger and living in my rich secluded white neighbourhood, I didn’t know anything about black people. NOBODY DID, not even black people. Family Matters showed us that some black families did have money, some black children did go to school and read and write, some African Americans were as intelligent or more intelligent than the white minority, and it showed us that a black man has the capability of not running out on his family. Fresh Prince of Bel-Air pretty much undid all the good Family Matters accomplished, but man oh man, Will Smith is one crazy nigga, ain’t he? What I miss the most is the old WB. Before this ‘I’m-rich-and-sexy-but-I-can’t-choose-between-my-teenage-model-girlfriend-or-her-equally-sexy-and-more-experienced-mom’ television fad. I’m talking back in the good ol’ days, when they had a number of shows featuring predominantly black actors/characters who were constantly yelling and endorsing our preconceived stereotypes in the hopes that their careers will last just one more season. Back when they named the shows after their black celebrity stars. I miss such classics as ‘The Steve Harvey Show,’ ‘The Wayans Bros,’ and ‘The Jamie Foxx Show.’ I guess the racist WB presidents realized that the African community had an entire television station devoted to them, and this was, quite simply, too much exposure. In fact, If you make a backwards checkmark on your key board starting from the “W” on the left, down to the “B” then you finish on a “K,” as in KKK!!!! Damn you hate mongrels, BOYCOTT THE WB!
Sorry, Black History Month just ended, had to get it out of my system.
ROBERT VAN WINKLE: Who the fuck is Robert Van Winkle? J
inx! RVW is none other than Vanilla Ice. How can somebody write a ‘What the Fuck Happened To….” article and leave out the MVP, Vanilla Ice. So what the fuck happened to Vanilla Ice after his ‘Under Pressure’ rip-off success, “Ice Ice Baby”? Well, he appeared as himself in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze. He got married, and was later charged with Domestic Abuse after ripping some of her hair out. In 1999 he added another award to his trophy shelf, when he won the #9 lamest music video of all time. Most recently, however he appeared on Fox’s ‘Celebrity Boxing’ where he lost to Diff’rent Strokes star, Todd Bridges, by unanimous decision. He now sings Christian rock. There’s nothing funnier than laughing at ‘Vanilla Ices’s misfortune and failure… that is until you realize that he tried to kill himself in 1994. I hope you’re proud of yourself, you worthless scum.THE PILL: What the fuck happened to the Pill? I’m not e
ven attempting to offer an answer here, but wasn’t there a day when the onus fell on the woman not to get pregnant? I’m not saying the Pill isn’t around anymore, but there was a time (or so cable television has led me to believe) that the Birth Control pill was the first and last means of defense against Pregnantitis. Men spew millions of sperm from their penis’s on a daily basis, and with the exception of Courtney Love, Christina Aguilera and my hot neighbor, most woman can’t make the claim that that many things enter them that often. We can’t be responsible for making sure that the hundreds of millions of sperm we spew per year doesn’t penetrate your egg fortress, take some damn initiative ladies. Besides, if a guy knocks a girl up, he can always just move, woman have to carry, birth, then complain about how hard it is to raise the child, as if millions of people before her haven’t done it. The condom fad has passed; I say we bring the ‘Pill’ back to mainstream, and while we’re at it, what happened to the Sponge? That thing was awesome! Just imagine what today’s marketing departments could do with that bad boy? Shoving a little Spongebob Squarepants into your vagina, squished up against the cervix, getting pounded by some strange guys dick head. Awesome. Anyways, the day of the condom is done, so ladies, if you get pregnant, stop bitching about it, and put a cork in it! (That was by far the wittiest pun I’ve ever written.I guess the point I’m trying to make here is that life moves quickly, and you should appreciate it while you still can. Enjoy and cherish the things around you. Be thankful for the things you have because they’ll become obsolete and uncool faster than you can say LaserDisk.
