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-Jon Stewart was funny, he did a great job. However, for one reason or another the celebrity audience refused to laugh. They just sat there, motionless, staring at the stage. It was like they were watching their grandparents having anal sex. Did I actually just say that? I blame television, DAMN YOU MTV!!!
- I love George Clooney. I’m not gay or anything, but at times, I wish I was catholic and he was a priest.
- Rachel Weisz’s tits were HUGE. Granted she was pregnant, but that didn’t stop my imagination or my right hand. My fantasy was ruined however, when I was trying in vain to scream out her name, but was unable to pronounce it. It’s okay though, Natalie Portman and Carmen Electra showed up, then George Clooney came to help me finish the job. Scratch that, I’ve said too much.
- “Memoirs of a Geisha” cleaned house taking home 3 Academy Awards, yet in none of those acceptance speeches did they apologize for ’Pearl Harbour.’ Intolerant bastards, let’s nuke them again.
- I thought Dolly Parton was dead. She’s like the Bride of Frankenstein, just a bunch of fake parts and leftovers from other people’s bodies formed around what I can only assume are two fat midgets under her shirt. If you saw the Oscars you know what I mean, those were the biggest breasts I’ve seen since-- well… Rachel Weisz. When we saw her, everybody I was with went into shock. We were laughing and joking and then cut to Dolly, and the room goes silent. A moment of silence as we mourn our loss or respect for the elderly. Ladies, please heed this warning: Do not get more than 3 facelifts and tummy tucks in your life or you will end up looking like Ms. Dolly Parton. A Barbie Doll thrown into a fire, and then molded back to form. As you age let those breasts drag along the floor, don’t just roll them up and staple them into a ball. If Dolly Parton were on the Titanic, there would be no losses of life, just grab onto Ms. Parton, and float back to shore. Gross.
-3-6 Mafia’s performance of ‘Hard Out Here for a Pimp’ was topped only by their acceptance of the Oscar. Watching those guys bounce around on stage must have been traumatizing for the audience. I can only imagine Jack Nicholson trying his hardest to not run in fear, gripping his armchair, face turning red, sweat dribbling down his collar. Priceless. Those guys are crazy. Paul Haggis, writer/director of ’Crash’ had to excuse himself to go to the ’bathroom,’ hell even the black guy from ’Crash’ shat his pants. I wonder how long it took those guys to sell the Oscar. Actually, on second thought, they probably just stole a whole bunch of them to put on their gun-- I mean, awards rack.
- Dear Homosexuals of the World. Yes, Brokeback Mountain was a good movie, but it’s not as groundbreaking as you think. You’re here, you’re queer, we’re fucking used to it, shut the hell up. Oh, and go return that stupid cowboy hat, you look ridiculous.
- Wallace and Gromit won for Best Animated Feature and the two British men who accepted wore two gigantically oversized bowties. They were so cute, and loveable, and virgins. What ever happened to the British? Oh that’s right, Hugh Grant had sex with that Yeti of a hooker. You make me sick. Go brush your teeth and get
back to what you do best, Blowing flaming fags. I’M TALKING ABOUT SMOKING CIGARETTES! Jeez, has Brokeback Mountain not taught us anything?-Ang Lee wins best director for Brokeback Mountain. What an artist, what a genius, what a brillia-- what’s that you say? This is the same Ang Lee that directed ‘The Hulk?’ Ang, get the fuck out of my country you hack. The catchphrase was ‘Hulk Smash’ not ‘Eric Bana transforms into a large green thing that still loves a woman, but must fight evil doctors, and his own genetics to overcome the monster he has become.’ I could’ve made that movie so much better. Here we go: The Hulk falls in love with Godzilla while they cross paths destroying the world and ‘smashing’ stuff. The Hulk must then kill his old lover, The Marshmallow Man from ‘Ghostbusters’ because he is insanely jealous. Somewhere here in the middle there will be a gratuitous lesbian sex scene, followed by a high speed car chase. The film will close with a kung fu fight, that ends with the Hulk impaling Marshmallow Man with an American flag. Not that’s a movie!
-Finally, Crash wins best picture. I would love to be in the room when the Academy voted on this.
Old Executive: If you think Crash should win Best Picture, please write ‘Crash’ on your ballot and pass it forward, if you feel any other film should win, please write ‘I am a Racist’ on your ballot, and then raise your hand so we may all shun you.
Paul Haggis wrote and directed this movie. He has only written one other screen play and it was that of ‘Million Dollar Baby.’ I know what you’re thinking, “Million Dollar Baby was good,” and please believe me when I tell you that one day you’ll realize that your opinion is wrong, and you are, in fact, stupid. Million Dollar Baby was not well written. It’s a touching story of an underdog woman boxer and the companionship she finds in her elderly boxing coach, then BAM, Paul Haggis gets bored, and decides to kill the bitch. Oh yeah, Spoiler Alert. We go from an imaginary sports movie to Terri Schiavo. Boxing boxing boxing boxing boxing boxing EUTHANASIA! And Paul Haggis is laughing all the way to the bank.
Back to ‘Crash.’ MSNBC's Erik Lundegaard said it perfectly:
“Yes, we all bear some form of racism — that’s obvious. Yes, we
all “stereotype” other races in some fashion — that’s obvious.
(Particularly obvious in the Los Angeles of “Crash,” where so many
characters are stereotypes.) But, no, we don’t easily give voice to
our racist sentiments. And that’s why “Crash” rings so false
all “stereotype” other races in some fashion — that’s obvious.
(Particularly obvious in the Los Angeles of “Crash,” where so many
characters are stereotypes.) But, no, we don’t easily give voice to
our racist sentiments. And that’s why “Crash” rings so false
...The most potent form of racism in this country is no longer overt
but covert. Once upon a time, yes yes yes, it was overt, which is
another reason why “Crash” sucks. It’s doing what simple-minded
generals do: It’s fighting the last war.”
but covert. Once upon a time, yes yes yes, it was overt, which is
another reason why “Crash” sucks. It’s doing what simple-minded
generals do: It’s fighting the last war.”
If you wanna see a well made movie that deals with racism see Spike Lee’s “Do the Right Thing,” or Jamie Kennedy’s “Malibu’s Most Wanted.”
There, I’m done, now you can move the fuck on. If anybody has a copy of the Batman with George Clooney, lemme know. Until then, I’m fantasizing about milking Rachel Weisz.
