No, I'm just kidding. Zombies aren't attacking... yet. But what if I was telling the truth? What if
Zombies were attacking? Do you know how to defend yourself? Could you keep your brain in your skull and out of their intestines? Don't actually answer, those were rhetorical questions.Fear not fellow readers, for I am here to teach you how to survive a Zombie attack. Just picture the scene: You turn your television to channel 8 and staring straight at you is the living dead as you try to interpret his moans. "That's all for the Price is Right, and don't forget to spay and neuter your pets.' You then change to channel four news and BAM!! Zombies everywhere. In a fit of panic you call your best friend, Todd.
You: Todd, are you watching the news
Todd: B-braaaaains
You: Brains? What are you talking about? Dude, focus.
Todd: BRAAAAAAAIIINNNNSSSSSS!!!!!!!
You: Okay brains, yeah, whatever. Go to channel four
Todd: BRAAAAAAAAAIIIIIINSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!
You: riiiggghttttt.... I'm gonna... call you back.
And then it hits you. Todd's been dead for 6 years. Which, of course, begs the question as to why you phoned him in the first place, but before you can answer this question you're killed by a zombie.
So how is one to defend themselves from the living dead? It's simple, you kill them before they kill you. So how is one to kill a zombie before the zombie kills them? Well there's several effective tools which can be used:
-Shovel
-Machette
-Air Supply Records
-Heavy objects
-Anna Nichole Smith
The essential objective to destroying a zombie is to take off it's head. Bullets aren't gonna do the trick, regardless of what Charleton Heston tells ya'. If 50 cent can take it, I'm pretty sure a freakin' zombie can too.
If you don't think you're up to killing them, you can always pretend to be one. Most people are pretty stupid, and when they die and are brought back to life, they generally lose that little bit of intelligence they have, so it shouldn't be too hard to trick them. I know that we've all been taught to say no to peer pressure, and that just because everyone else is doing it, doesn't mean we should, but I think w
hen what everyone else is doing is trying to destroy the human race, it's probably best to just play along.... That is unless the zombie's are smoking cigarettes, because that is not cool!The most difficult part of fighting a zombie attack, for most people, would be decapitating a relative or loved one. Nobody wants to have to kill their grandmother again. Plus, her clothes would probably have rotted away, and you'd have to look at her saggy, undead, breasts. But i digress. I think the point I was trying to make is that you should get some practice in. Find a relative, preferrably a wealthy one, and just cut off their head. Don't feel too bad about it, they'll be back just as soon as that Zombie attack begins.
It's probably best to avoid locking yourself in a mall with a bunch of strangers, and if possible try and get to England for the attack. I hear their Zombie invasions are much more humorous. It might also be a good idea to find a way to be around Dick Cheney. I'm pretty sure a shotgun blast to the face would take them out.
So that's it. Now you know how to survive a Zombie attack. I'll be back next week with an outline of how to maintain your house through a flaming hail storm. Until then, happy zombie hunting.
