You just gotta understand that it was the thing to do. Every other kid on the block had a new black slave and my great great great grandfather wanted one too. Looking back, we probably shouldn't have enslaved your people, but hindsights always 20/20, right? Besides, Big Abe set y'all free. He was a cool guy, right? Right? Come on, Let's just put this all behin
d us and move on. Anybody up for a quick game of basketball?Let's be fair here, I'm Jewish, so it's not like life's a picnic for us either. I know it may come as a shock to you, but we were slaves too. Yeah, that's right... in Egypt. Uh huh, yeah, I know. Shocker. Anyways, we fought through, parted a sea, wandered the desert for 40 years, and now we're free. We don't hold grudges, we don't complain. Hey, maybe if you guys persevered a little.. you know. I'm just saying.
While we're at it, there's some other people I'd like to apologize to. Old people, I see your stares and the way you size me up and down, judging me as a punk before you know me. I'd just like to apologize for any wrongdoings I may do. You're right, I'm scum. Rock and Roll music, baggy pants, and television, there are just so many ways that I've let you down, and I'd like to apologize on behalf of everybody who can't see a movie for the senior discounts half price. If there's anything you need, a helping hand, Pedisure, or kidney, please don't hesitate to ask.
Any type of store owner. I know my gap T-shirt, and faded jeans give you reason to watch me like a hawk and assume I'm going to steal something. Once or twice I've thought to myself that it would be awesome to take something just to spite you, and I'm sorry. I mean, I, personally, have never stolen anything in my life, but hey, how would you know that? I'm sure someone, somewhere, resembling me at least somewhat has taken an item of some sort of monetary value without paying, and I am sorry.
Women everywhere, I am so sorry. That whole 'women as objects' mentality that used to be heavily prevalent back in the '50s, totally my bad. Any disrespect or condescending remark I've made. Anytime I've looked at any female like a
piece of meat, anytime I've given up my seat on the subway, or taken any type of chivalric action, you don't deserve any differential treatment, and I'm sorry. Listen, if I could carry and birth the baby, I would. Let's keep things in perspective though, you get to breastfeed. Milk comes out of your nipples, I dont' think you fully understand quite how cool that really is-- but then, perhaps I'm just being insensitive. I'm sorry.That whole Hurricane Katrina thing. I know that technically I'm not responsible for the weather, and I had nothing to do with it, but that's all besides the point. I see your hateful glares, and your judging looks, and I really feel bad for this, perhaps more than anything. So I'm sorry. I understand that majority of the victims were African American, and I just wanna make sure you understand that there is NO connection between this and that slavery thing. Both were seperate screwups on my behalf, and I'm so, so, sorry.
I can only hope that you all have it in your hearts to forgive me for all my wrongdoings. For the murder and whippings, the oppression and the disrespect, I'm sorry. My parents raised me better than that, and I let them down. Mom, Dad... I'm sorry. Dear God, I'm just so very sorry. What have I become? I'm so sorry. I'm just so very sorry.
