How To: Survive a Zombie Invasion

As I am writing this the world is being put on notice. The dead are literally rising from their graves in pursuit of brains. Your brains. That's right Zombie's are real, and coming for us, and it is imperative that we come together as one and fight these monsters.

No, I'm just kidding. Zombies aren't attacking... yet. But what if I was telling the truth? What if Zombies were attacking? Do you know how to defend yourself? Could you keep your brain in your skull and out of their intestines? Don't actually answer, those were rhetorical questions.

Fear not fellow readers, for I am here to teach you how to survive a Zombie attack. Just picture the scene: You turn your television to channel 8 and staring straight at you is the living dead as you try to interpret his moans. "That's all for the Price is Right, and don't forget to spay and neuter your pets.' You then change to channel four news and BAM!! Zombies everywhere. In a fit of panic you call your best friend, Todd.

You: Todd, are you watching the news
Todd: B-braaaaains
You: Brains? What are you talking about? Dude, focus.
Todd: BRAAAAAAAIIINNNNSSSSSS!!!!!!!
You: Okay brains, yeah, whatever. Go to channel four
Todd: BRAAAAAAAAAIIIIIINSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!
You: riiiggghttttt.... I'm gonna... call you back.

And then it hits you. Todd's been dead for 6 years. Which, of course, begs the question as to why you phoned him in the first place, but before you can answer this question you're killed by a zombie.

So how is one to defend themselves from the living dead? It's simple, you kill them before they kill you. So how is one to kill a zombie before the zombie kills them? Well there's several effective tools which can be used:
-Shovel
-Machette
-Air Supply Records
-Heavy objects
-Anna Nichole Smith

The essential objective to destroying a zombie is to take off it's head. Bullets aren't gonna do the trick, regardless of what Charleton Heston tells ya'. If 50 cent can take it, I'm pretty sure a freakin' zombie can too.

If you don't think you're up to killing them, you can always pretend to be one. Most people are pretty stupid, and when they die and are brought back to life, they generally lose that little bit of intelligence they have, so it shouldn't be too hard to trick them. I know that we've all been taught to say no to peer pressure, and that just because everyone else is doing it, doesn't mean we should, but I think when what everyone else is doing is trying to destroy the human race, it's probably best to just play along.... That is unless the zombie's are smoking cigarettes, because that is not cool!

The most difficult part of fighting a zombie attack, for most people, would be decapitating a relative or loved one. Nobody wants to have to kill their grandmother again. Plus, her clothes would probably have rotted away, and you'd have to look at her saggy, undead, breasts. But i digress. I think the point I was trying to make is that you should get some practice in. Find a relative, preferrably a wealthy one, and just cut off their head. Don't feel too bad about it, they'll be back just as soon as that Zombie attack begins.

It's probably best to avoid locking yourself in a mall with a bunch of strangers, and if possible try and get to England for the attack. I hear their Zombie invasions are much more humorous. It might also be a good idea to find a way to be around Dick Cheney. I'm pretty sure a shotgun blast to the face would take them out.

So that's it. Now you know how to survive a Zombie attack. I'll be back next week with an outline of how to maintain your house through a flaming hail storm. Until then, happy zombie hunting.

Where in the World is...

Back in the year 2001 there was a man whose name was on the tip of everyone's tongue. Every video he made claimed worldwide publicity and he was the epitome of celebrity. His name reigned over headlines everywhere and civilians and governments alike swore revenge for the anguish he had caused them. No, I'm not talking about Chris Tucker, I'm talking about the worlds greatest hide-and-seek player, Osama Bin Laden.

Somewhere in the American Government's busy schedule of 'accidentally' shooting people in the face and capturing the President of one of the most recognizable countries on the planet, they managed to make the whole world forget about Osama Bin Laden. How did they do it, you ask? Well I'll tell you.

[Paragraph deleted by American Government]

And that is why the world has forgotten Osama Bin Laden. Which got me to thinking, who are some famous terrorists of the past? who was the first terrorist? has anybody else been forgotten like this? what the hell was I talking about?

Sure there have been several terrorists from recent memory. Timothy McVeigh, Osama (one name only, like Cher), that guy from Die Hard, and Michael Moore all come to mind, yet one stands above the rest.

Only one person has been so famous, followed to such extreme lengths, only to be forgotten come year 2006. You may have tricked the world, government, but you haven't fooled me! So I ask you:

Where the fuck is Carmen Sandiego?

Several television shows, a cartoon, a gameshow, a worldwide search, and now... nothing. Listen, I don't know what the hell she did, but if she's in such high demand, I want a piece of that hunting action. I never really understood the whole 'Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?' thing anyway. I mean, sure, the song's catchy and all, but we are a generation that grew up finding Waldo. Forget Bush, you send six 9 year olds out to find Osama, they'll have him home faster than you can say 'Nap Time!'

I mean, where the hell could Carmen Sandiego be? Did you check New York? Florida? Yeah? How about SAN DIEGO, YOU FRIGGIN' RETARDS!!! Carmen Sandiego is not like Osama (one name, like Madonna), Osama has hundreds of look alikes and is hiding somewhere in a cave. Carmen Sandiego is a 30-something year old woman wearing high heels, bright red, and an almost humorously large hat. How could we not find her? Are we retarded? Is she listed? Did anybody even bother checking the phone book?

There's only one possible solution: Carmen Sandiego and Osama (one name, like The Rock) are the same person!!!!! That's right ladies and gentlemen, Carmen Sandiego... is a dude!

It seems now, more than ever, there is a dire need to figure out where in the world Carmen Sandiego is before all the infamous fictional characters from our childhoods become terrorists. Imagine the mayhem!!

I don't think it's impossible to capture Carmen (one name, like Osama) if we really commit ourselves to it. We just need a way to get her to wear a white and red striped jumpsuit, tuque, and big rimmed black glasses.

Israel? Never Heard of it.

With the Jewish holiday of Passover set to begin jews all the way from New York to Florida are coming together to share in the history of the Jewish people. Generations celebrate by eating unleavened bread, rejoice in our liberation from Egypt, and watch Charleton Heston split an ocean on Channel 4. Orthodox, Religious, or Liberal every jew feels a special closeness to their homeland. A land where Street Hot Dogs are replaced by Shwarma and Falafels, where every 5 year old is equipped with an AK 47 ready to shave his head and ship out into action, and where every other Palestinian is seconds away from exploding. Passover is a time where regardless of physical distance in our hearts we are all in our homeland of Israel, or as the Egyptians likes to call it, that place where the bombs come from.

One of the predominant parties of Egypt is an organization known as Hammas. Hammas is the majority party of the Palestinian Authority Legislative Council located in Egypt and they're not very nice. They are responsible for many suicide bombings in Israel and are supportive of creating a Palestinian Islamic State out of the West Bank, Israel, and the Gaza Strip. (Note: Probably a good idea to cancel that family trip to the Gaza strip). They are considered a terrorist organization by Australia, Canada, the European Union, Israel, and the United States, and are banned in Jordan. Which makes you think, wouldn't the organization which denounces and attempts to blow you up be banned throughout all of Israel? Even McDonalds was smart enough to stop letting the Hamburgler in. Come on Israel, get with the program.

One key characteristic of Hammas is that they don't recognize the state of Israel. They just don't recognize it. It doesn't exist. A typical conversation between a Palestinian and an Israeli might go something like this:

Palestinian: So where are you from?
Israeli: Israel
Long awkard silence
Palestinian: Huh?
Israeli: Israel... it's right there points to the border where Israel is clearly visible
Palestinian: Still don't follow
Israeli: Israel, it's your neighbouring country. We're those guys you keep launching bombs at....
Long awkward silence
Palestinian: Explodes

I don't understand how you can want to conquer and bomb a place you claim doesn't exist. It's like denouncing the concept of toilets during a bout of diarhea. This concept of not recognizing the existence of a clearly material thing got me to thinking. How awesome would it be if we just applied this concept during our every day life?

Wife on your back about coming home at 3 in the morning piss drunk? How's that possible? You have no wife!

Cop siren blasting behind you demanding you pull over? Nope, there's no cop behind you.. floor it! Worried that he might find that ounce of cocaine in the glove compartment? Cocaine? What the hell is cocaine? You're more worried about that dead body in the trunk. Wait... trunk? Dead body? I'm confused, what are these things you're talking about?

There's always the limits of religion, morals, and laws, but then again, none of those things exist, either. Damn, Hammas is really onto something here. Maybe we should all walk into places that don't exist and blow ourselves up, it's the new 'it' thing to do.

Hammas should probably make their move soon. With all of Israel taking the Passover Atkins diet, they'll be weak and cranky, and there's no better time to invade then while they're all constipated. I'm not too worried about it though, we're God's chosen people, he would never let anything bad happen to the jews.....

As bad as things look for the 'Holy Land' all hope is not lost. That's right, yours truly has a plan to force Hammas to acknowledge the state of Israel. It's so simple that I'm amazed nobody else has thought of it. All Israel has to do is throw a party. I'm talking huge, crazy, keg-a-person, I'm-so-
wasted-I-jumped-off-the-garage-
because-I-thought-I-could-fly...I-
was-so-wrong party, and invite all the surrounding countries. Jordan, Syria, Lebanon are all welcome, even Egypt and the Hammas will be invited. I mean they can't go to a party that doesn't exist right? All Israel has to do is serve Heineken, nobody can turn down Heineken. Hammas is sure to cave, even hateful terrorist groups can appreciate a good party. So all Israel has to do is throw a party and serve some Heiny, problem solved.

Hopefully they can do it quickly, so we can all enjoy a happy and peaceful Passover. I can only hope that the Israeli government reads this blog. Otherwise, I wish everybody in Israel and elsewhere a happy Passover.

Except New Yorkers... they're not real.

A Heartfealt Apology

There's been a lot tension following me whenever I go downtown and I just wanna get something out in the open to clear my conscious a little bit. I'm just really sick of black guys staring me down, and sizing me up, and I just wanna come right out and apologize. African American community, I am SO sorry for that whole slavery thing. Seriously guys, my bad.

You just gotta understand that it was the thing to do. Every other kid on the block had a new black slave and my great great great grandfather wanted one too. Looking back, we probably shouldn't have enslaved your people, but hindsights always 20/20, right? Besides, Big Abe set y'all free. He was a cool guy, right? Right? Come on, Let's just put this all behind us and move on. Anybody up for a quick game of basketball?

Let's be fair here, I'm Jewish, so it's not like life's a picnic for us either. I know it may come as a shock to you, but we were slaves too. Yeah, that's right... in Egypt. Uh huh, yeah, I know. Shocker. Anyways, we fought through, parted a sea, wandered the desert for 40 years, and now we're free. We don't hold grudges, we don't complain. Hey, maybe if you guys persevered a little.. you know. I'm just saying.

While we're at it, there's some other people I'd like to apologize to. Old people, I see your stares and the way you size me up and down, judging me as a punk before you know me. I'd just like to apologize for any wrongdoings I may do. You're right, I'm scum. Rock and Roll music, baggy pants, and television, there are just so many ways that I've let you down, and I'd like to apologize on behalf of everybody who can't see a movie for the senior discounts half price. If there's anything you need, a helping hand, Pedisure, or kidney, please don't hesitate to ask.

Any type of store owner. I know my gap T-shirt, and faded jeans give you reason to watch me like a hawk and assume I'm going to steal something. Once or twice I've thought to myself that it would be awesome to take something just to spite you, and I'm sorry. I mean, I, personally, have never stolen anything in my life, but hey, how would you know that? I'm sure someone, somewhere, resembling me at least somewhat has taken an item of some sort of monetary value without paying, and I am sorry.

Women everywhere, I am so sorry. That whole 'women as objects' mentality that used to be heavily prevalent back in the '50s, totally my bad. Any disrespect or condescending remark I've made. Anytime I've looked at any female like a piece of meat, anytime I've given up my seat on the subway, or taken any type of chivalric action, you don't deserve any differential treatment, and I'm sorry. Listen, if I could carry and birth the baby, I would. Let's keep things in perspective though, you get to breastfeed. Milk comes out of your nipples, I dont' think you fully understand quite how cool that really is-- but then, perhaps I'm just being insensitive. I'm sorry.

That whole Hurricane Katrina thing. I know that technically I'm not responsible for the weather, and I had nothing to do with it, but that's all besides the point. I see your hateful glares, and your judging looks, and I really feel bad for this, perhaps more than anything. So I'm sorry. I understand that majority of the victims were African American, and I just wanna make sure you understand that there is NO connection between this and that slavery thing. Both were seperate screwups on my behalf, and I'm so, so, sorry.

I can only hope that you all have it in your hearts to forgive me for all my wrongdoings. For the murder and whippings, the oppression and the disrespect, I'm sorry. My parents raised me better than that, and I let them down. Mom, Dad... I'm sorry. Dear God, I'm just so very sorry. What have I become? I'm so sorry. I'm just so very sorry.