...not that there's anything wrong with that.

Since the beginning of time man has dreamed of the future. It seems not long ago that professors and doctors were predicting the great advancements we would face in the new millennium. Alas the year 2000 came and went quickly, giving way to 2001 and there were no meals in pill form, there were no flying cars or jetpacks, there was no great technological revolution. These dreamers of yesteryear prophesizing self cleaning homes and lasers would surely be surprised to instead find married dudes sticking it in each other’s butts.

It’s hard, in today’s world where homosexuality seems to lurk around every corner, where every song on the radio seems to written by the gays, where the most offensive homosexual remark I can think of is calling them ‘the gays,’ to imagine a world where homosexuality isn’t accepted. Believing that homosexuality was always revered is not only naïve, but it’s a stupid belief and you’re a stupid person for believing it.

Until recently Gay Marriage was a concept as strange and ridiculous as Elephants having pillow fights on the Moon. All that changed, however, when in 2001 the Netherlands legalized gay marriage. For the first time in history you could legally get a prostitute, smoke a joint, and marry a dude (not necessarily in that order). It didn’t take long for North America to follow suit with Canada legalizing gay marriage and although some states haven’t legalized it yet, America’s well on their way. Every state in America has legalized gay marriage with the exception of Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West Virginia, Wisconsin, and Wyoming.

Three cheers for progress!!!!
Hip, Hip, Hooray!

It’s understandable that gay acceptance is still an issue. It seemed like the gay rights movement was ready to make great progress in the 80s, and then all of a sudden came the AIDS pandemic. As terrible as this was it’s hard to sympathize with them as they brought it upon themselves when they had all that unprotected sex with wild monkeys. Foolish gays.

In the new millennium gay rights is again a hot topic. It’s great that people are at least discussing legalizing gay marriage, but I really don’t understand the dilemma. Just once I’d love to sit in on one of the trials, I wonder what the arguments would be.

Defense: You’re honor, my client, a homosexual, is a human being entitled to the same rights as any other person. He’s an upstanding civilian, a legal citizen, and he asks nothing from the state other than to be recognized as a married couple with his partner. The only grounds to refuse his legal marriage are grounded in religion but the First Amendment to United States Constitution states that there is to be a separation of church and state. Why then can he not be married to his lover, grounded solely on the basis that he is a man?

Judge: Thank you. Would the prosecution like to state their argument?

Prosecution: I would, your honor. He slowly stands and turns to address the jury. Your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury. THEY’RE FUCKING FAGGOTS!!!!!! Long pause. FAGGOTS!!!!! The prosecution rests your honor.

It’s a shame that Christianity holds such power in these matters, because that seems to be the strongest opposing point. Christianity views homosexuality as heretic and would prefer to focus their efforts on holier practices, such as child molestation. Sure it may seem contradictory to condemn homosexuality then play with boys ding dongs, but you see, Christianity views homosexuality as a sexual act between two men, not a man and a child.

Still though, we should consider ourselves lucky to live in such a comparatively tolerant place. During a famous 2007 speech at Columbia University, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad asserted that there are no gay people in Iran. This seems to contradict with an Iranian law forbidding homosexuality, punishable by death, however President Ahmadinejad assures that this law was simply a side clause attached to the Unicorn and Leprechaun Mandate of 1996.

When I first heard of the case of two male teenagers, Mahmoud Asgari and Ayaz Marhoni who were hanged in 2005 because they had been caught having sex with each other, I was shocked. I was relieved however when reflecting on President Ahmadinejad’s speech, I realized that these two individuals did not in fact exist.

While being gay must be a very harrowing experience, its’ not all bad. First of all for males, they don’t have to worry about their partner having a headache, not being in the mood, or still recovering from ‘the abortion.’ The benefits for lesbians, god bless them, are far more obvious: they get to sleep with women. Also, all gay men can bake (it’s science) and real scientific studies have shown that gay men have, on average, slightly longer and thicker penises. See, I’m not gay.

Now that I’ve kissed some gay ass (figuratively speaking) I can rip it to pieces (literally). I’m so freaking sick of gay pride parades. You’re here, you’re queer, I’m fucking used to it. I mean Jesus Christ, riding down the street on a float shaped like balls, filled with other butch guys wearing, as implausible as it may seem, even smaller leather shorts, throwing out free condoms lined with toilet paper, only furthers your stereotypical image. It’s like having a Mexican awareness parade and just parking the floats on your lawn. Or a Black Awareness parade where everyone just rides down the street on my bike. My point is, if you want people to accept you as fellow members of society then you need to stop depicting yourselves as a circus sideshow.

For instance, in 1973 when the American Psychiatric Association removed homosexuality from the Diagnostic and Statistical manual of Mental Disorders, meaning that homosexuality was no longer considered a mental disorder, you could’ve just taken pride in the strides you’d made. It wasn’t necessary to hold a press conference where an unnamed leader in the gay community refuted this change by proclaiming that he was, and I quote, “crazy for cock.”

I apologize for the length of this entry and the lack of my usual hysterical pointed satire but I actually did some research and I felt this was a good opportunity for me to show off to you how smart I am. So why did I decide to write about homosexuality? Don’t get too excited dad, I’m not coming out. Last week I wrote about racism and I noticed a lot of parallels between homosexuality and the plight of the black man. While African Americans are struggling for social equality, homosexuals are still fighting for people to recognize their basic civil rights. What people do between closed doors is really nobody else’s business and as long as they’re not squirting ‘gay sauce’ at us, I see no reason for any type of differential treatment. Also, maybe some hot lesbians will read this and decide they wanna be my friend. So why did I write about homosexuality? Because I wanted to.

… I swear I’m not gay.