I promise the article is better than this title.

The Writer’s Guild of America recently came to an agreement with the major studio heads meaning that not only was there a recent influx of virgins resuming work in Hollywood, but also that this year’s Academy Awards ceremony didn’t have to be cancelled. I know that a lot of people hold some contempt for the ceremonies claiming that it’s just another opportunity for the Hollywood elite to gather together to congratulate themselves on a job well done. I disagree. I think that most of the celebrities do a very good job of coming off as humble and down to earth, and for that they should congratulate themselves. NBC can have broadcast rights.

Jon Stewart returned as host this year and did a formidable job. Originally they were considering getting Whoopi Goldberg to return as host, but eventually decided that with a woman or a black man set for the presidency, there was no need be politically correct and instead went for a fair representation of the Republican party; an upper class, aging, white guy. Coincidentally, he also makes a living laughing at the Iraq war.

I love the Oscars. Every year me and a few friends gather together to watch it, placing bets on all the winners. This year, however, I had to cancel the get together a mere hour before the festivities began because I came down with what can aptly be described as the plague. It’s just as well though; I had to go to a family dinner at 6:30 which would have caused me to miss half the show. Some of my family knew this and thus when I told them I was sick probably assumed that I was just making up a bullshit excuse. I was not. I do, however, understand why they would be upset. They think that family’s the most important thing and that I’m blowing it off, the jokes on them though. I haven’t told anyone yet, but I’m adopted.

As my sickness threatened to engulf me entirely I was given the perfect remedy, the OSCARS!!!! Beautiful people wearing beautiful clothing; and only for the split second the screen goes black as they cut to commercial was I forced to look at my own disgusting reflection. I am not an attractive man.

There weren’t many upsets this year. Among the few were Tilda Swinton for Michael Clayton. She upset Ruby Dee, the grandmother from American Gangster, who was favorited to win because, well, she’s old and black. Also taking a bit of an upset was Marion Cottilard, who won best actress for her performance in La Vie en Rose. Her portrayal of Edith Piaf was a historic performance and truly gut wrenching, but the film isn’t American, so really, who gives a shit?

There were a few other events which cannot go unmentioned. Owen Wilson made an appearance presenting the Best Live Action Short Oscar and later went on to lose the ‘Best Suicide’ award to Heath Ledger. The Academy made a public statement explaining their decision thusly, “While we have great respect and admiration for Mr. Wilson both professionally and personally, we could not honor him with this award as he simply did not get the job done.” Mr. Ledger was not in attendance to accept his award.

Speaking of wildly inappropriate and inconsiderate jokes, the portion of the show where they have a memorial for the celebrities that passed away was really good this year. It’s always fun listening to the audience clap harder and louder depending on how famous the person being honored is. If E! has taught me anything, it’s that famous people are better than me and attractive famous people doubly so. Probably because you have to account not only for their lives but also for the lives of all their illegitimate children who will now never have the opportunity to have their existence denied.

I have no real problem with any of the winners, except maybe Best Sound Mixing, which was total bullshit. The sound in Transformers was mixed way better than in The Bourne Ultimatum, everyone knows that. Aside from that one fictitious discrepancy I only had any real “beef,” as the kids say, with one film and its many nominations. Now don’t get me wrong, I liked Juno. I thought it was a sweet little film that was pretty funny and had heart. But it’s the type of film that you buy at Starbucks, not a Best Picture contender. Best Actress, Best Director, and Best Picture nominations? Ahh, the immeasurable power of hype. Diablo Cody, former stripper and current screenwriter, also won for Best Original Screenplay. Now I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking, “honest to blog?” but I assure you this story about a chicko who’s eggo was preggo ain’t no jive, turkey, and it took home the best writing Oscar, Home Skillet. I can see the quality in the story, but the dialogue in this film is like how a 97 year old Alzheimer’s patient imagines today’s youth speaks. It’s a combination of 1870s slang and retarded diction.

Finally, No Country for Old Men was a great movie and normally would be a deserving recipient of the Best Picture award. This year, however, it beat out the epic There Will be Blood, which is one of, if not, the best film of the past century. I have no joke or witty rhetoric. Just go see this movie, and bring a colostomy bag, because it will literally make you shit your pants.

So again the Oscars came and went, like a cheap male gigolo. I got my fix of pretty people honoring pretty people, and if even for a mere 4 hours I got to escape into the small window that is the world I wish I lived in. I got to see the people I admire sit in a room and tribute the artwork that I live for. One day of the year to honor these people. These celebrities, these idols, these gods.

Now I get another full year to make fun of the stupid shit they wore.