The Kingston Chronicles

Last week I went on a trip to the magical land of Kingston, or more specifically, Queens University. I went to Queens because a very cool friend of mine, who will from here on out be referred to as ‘Coolie’ (it’s an inside joke, and a damn funny one at that) invited me on a cross-city trip to the wonderful world of Kingston. Our conversation was, if not verbatim, very close to this re-enactment:

Coolie: Yo, [Ving], wanna come to Kingston?
Ving: Alright.

And there you have it. While this trip was originally supposed to be a two man operation, it quickly became a full car due to Coolie engaging in romantic escapades with one of the people we were visiting, who will be referred to as B-Bear, and thus my immediate status as a third wheel. Others were invited regardless of re-assurances that I don’t mind being the odd man out, and in fact, like to watch:

Ving: You’d barely hear me, I swear. I’d only be a minute.

Alas, my efforts were in vain, and after loading up the car, we were off on what would soon be acknowledged worldwide as a mediocre entry in Ving’s Blog. We spent much of the trip looking through our high school yearbook, deciding which girls we would ‘make love’ to. This activity generally takes up approx. 73% of our free time wherever we are (which is why I'm no longer allowed in the zoo). The other half of the trip I spent laughing at the graduation picture of the mentally disabled kid in the wheelchair (I‘m going to hell), which I will eventually scan in here.

Two and half hours later we arrived, thanks to the kick-ass driving of one of the car-mates. He was--he was the one… driving. He has a twin who came on the trip too, so I will name the driver SexyTwin, and the other one Franklin. But due to the fact that I can never tell them apart, I will simply refer to the two as the single entity UnkownTwin. And so, two and a half hours later, Coolie, Unknown Twin, GhettoBoots, Unknown Twin, and I arrive in downtown Kingston. Had I never been there, I could easily have confused it with New Orleans. Downtown Kingston is the Devil’s asshole, it’s a dump. Queen’s however, was breathtaking, and I mean that in the most manly way possible. All I can remember from that point on is going to eat with everybody I knew at Queens (yes they were all asian), and later that night the drinking began.

I only have two mentionable memories from the first night, the first of which involved GhettoBoots. I had never drank with GhettoBoots before and was looking forward to seeing him drunk. We sat down, me with my ‘French Kiss’ (I can drink such a feminine drink because I’m that much of a man) and he with his Vodka and Coke. 3 glasses later, he was constantly letting it be known that one of our hosts is, and I quote, “a fellatio artist.” GhettoBoots and I found this observation to be hilarious… FellatioArtist did not. Regardless, the only thing I heard for the next 4 hours was in reference to her artistic Fellatio skills. Somewhere in this drunken rant of oral fixation, I came to the realization that I had to pee. The bathrooms at Queens are, much like Bethune, co-ed. I think. All I remember is standing there in the Queens bathroom, by the urinal, penis in hand, urine shooting at the stained white ceramic like it was on fire, trying to keep my stream off the walls and my pants, when a female passing by decided this was the opportune moment to start up a conversation with me. This girl was good-looking too, I would have definitely allowed her to have my abortion. So there I stood , hanging out with my wang out, when in walks the blonde bimbo of my dreams.

BlondeBimbo: Hi, have we met?
Ving: HUH!?!?!? Um… no, I don’t think so.
BlondeBimbo: Who’re you here with?
Ving: [FellatioArtist]
BlondeBimbo: Oh, I don’t really know her.
Ving: I’d be glad to introduce you, if you’ll just give me a second to put away my penis.
BlondeBimbo casually walks away.

Dammit! A beautiful woman talking to me on her own free will. I make the obvious assumption that she was drunk, and head back to the room, still a little shocked, a little confused, a little aroused. My step mom would later inform me that, ‘Yeah, women do that.’ I would later retire to the subzero floor of FellatioArtist and her roommate, who is the sweetest person you will ever meet with a periodic table of sex on her wall’s room for the night.

Don’t take this the wrong way because I LOVE Queens, but there’s nothing to do during the day. Their most appealing attraction is women’s prison… seriously. The last time I was there, I spent the day in B-Bears room watching ‘The Notebook’ on her computer with three other guys (Say I’m a bird). The day was essentially spent waiting for the night so we could drink. In a futile attempt to pass the time, GhettoBoots and I thought it would be funny to play battleshits. For those of you who do not know how to play battleshits, the rules are simple. You yell out a letter followed by a number, much like the original ‘battleship’ board game, only following this announcement, you let out the loudest fart you can muster up, and drop a turd, sometimes while making the sound of a falling missile. The loser then proclaims, ‘you sunk my battleshit,’ it is a glorious game. Needless to say, I whooped GhettoBoots, and not only sunk his battleshit, but did serious damage to both the toilet bowl, and both of our psyches. During the slow parts of the game, when nothing was ‘stirring’ I would crumple up little balls of toilet paper and throw them over the stall at him. During one especially difficult push, accompanying my screams of agony , you could hear me muster of the power to proclaim ‘Hold my hand,’ as I slipped my arm under the toilet stall. GhettoBoots and I are no longer on speaking terms.

After many passing hours, and awkward silences the nighttime eventually came. Coolie, FellatioArtist, B-Bear, and one of the UnknownTwins went to the local club, and GhettoBoots, the other Unknown Twin, and I stayed behind to hang out with another friend from Queens, AngryDrunk. Our evening night with AngryDrunk went from one unmentionable event to another. From meeting a ‘rotund’ female in the subzero temperature holding a clothes iron (who UnknownTwin immediately fell in love with), to ordering Chinese food, which those bastards screwed up. What I did enjoy, however, was meeting some of AngryDrunk’s floormates and friends. At one point while hanging out in AngryDrunk’s room, which smells like beer and dried semen, a man, JD, entered the room waving a bottle of Jack Daniels which was, literally, I seriously am not exaggerating, the size of tiny midget. I believe on the bottle the specified amount contained was: A shitload. JD enthusiastically staggered into the room waving this monstrosity above his head proclaiming that we needed to, “Hug it out!” AngryDrunk stood up and opened his arms wide in anticipation, I guess this is a usual happening in Kingston, and JD embraced him with enthusiasm. He then turned to face UnknownTwin, locked eyes with him yells ‘HUG IT OUT!” bends over and squeezes him tight. GhettoBoots is next, ‘HUG IT OUT!” and dammit, they hugged it out. He then turns and we make eye contact. “Hug it out?’ I inquire. “HUG IT OUT!” he reassures me, and a stand up, and hugged it out. And you know what, I felt a little bit better afterwards. Having ‘hugged it out’ with all present parties, JD realized his work here was done, and stomped out of the room and down the hall. My following questions about what had just transpired were briefly interrupted by the distance yet recognizable voice, demanding that these distant strangers ‘hug it out!” I still have no idea what the hell happened in that room that night.

The only other person to make an appearance, was AsianPanda. AsianPanda was a Chinese man so large and voluptuous that regardless of sexual preference you find it difficult to fight your inexplicable urge to hug him. I have no interesting story about AsianPanda, I just love this guy. I don’t remember anything he said to us, I just remember that as he left, somebody asked him if he ‘fucked that chick in the ass.’ Sadly he did not. Poor AsianPanda.

Later that night, we went to sleep, and the next morning awoke to a glorious sunset and mediocre hangover. We packed up, had breakfast, and said goodbye to our gracious hosts. I would like to thank B-Bear, FellatioArtist, AngryDrunk, Yippers, and BetSheCanDoThis for showing us a good time. I would also like to offer an invitation to JD, AsianPanda, and BlondBimbo to come visit me. You will forever have a place in my home, and my heart. And with all this in mind, we headed home. Home to York, Home to Bethune, Home to Doo Young. But I try not to let all these things get me down. If I really get depressed about leaving Queens behind, I’ve always got friends, to help me hug it out.