Insightful Inquiries, and Obscure Observations

-I think for just one summer a city should hire really attractive people to patrole the beaches, and make their rescues in slow motion, just like in Baywatch. Naturally, more people will die, but think of the ratings.

-If instead of resting on the 7th day, imagine of god built a really kick-ass Amusement Park. That would be so awesome.

-I wish I could speak the language of ants, because then I would proclaim myself as their god, and command them to do my bidding. And when that got boring, I would probably just play Solitaire.

-A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. Unless it was made of garbage. Then it would probably smell worse.

-An apple a day may keep the doctor away, but a flaming chainsaw can do wonders.

-Next time somebody says, they're having a bad hair day, just to show them up, you should shave off all your hair, and stuff it down their throat until they die from asphyxiation, then say 'bad hair.'

-Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Unless you're blind. Then you can't really see anything.

-The next time somebody says 'best laid plans of mice and men' just stare at them. Because that's a really stupid saying.

-Better to serve in heaven than to reign in hell. Unless Hell's serving punch.

-I wish I had a time machine, because then i would travel back to the stone ages and sing 'Ice Ice Baby' and they would think I wrote it. Of course they wouldn't think much of it because they still couldn't speak, but I would still think it was pretty funny.

-If i had to choose between 5 million dollars and a month in hell, i think i would take the money.

-There's nothing funny about murder. Unless you kill a clown.

-If I wrote a book, it would be about a man, who writes a book about failure, and it wins lots of awards. He would then write another book about Irony. It would fail miserably.

-When blind people take pictures, does it matter if they leave the lens cap on?

-Do you ever wonder what the world would be like if when Neil Armstrong first set foot on the moon, instead of proclaiming 'one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind' he proclaimed, "spank my ass and call me Lucy, I'm on the moon."

-i think it's really harsh to tell children that there is no Santa Clause. Instead, you should pay somebody to dress up like Santa, and then when he comes down the chimney, beat him to death in front of your children. I think it's more humane that way.

-Once a year we should have 'National Slavery Day' where we imprison people of color and force them to do physical labor for food and shelter. Lest we forget.

-I used to laugh whenever people bumped their head, but then I would think about how tragic the holocaust was, and suddenly it's just not so funny anymore.

-I used to get really scared at Horror movies, but then i realized that they're just actors, and nobody really cares when a celebrity dies.

-Instead of Bar-Mitzvahs, two boys should be equipped with a bag of paperclips and a rubber band, and set loose in the forest to hunt each other. Only the survivor would become a man.

-Instead of beating piñatas, we should just beat homeless people with sticks, and let the homeless person keep the candy. That way everybody wins.

-I wish I had a time machine, because then I would travel back in time to right before a thunderstorm and tell whoever is near me that I have been sent as a messenger from god to enslave the human race and inflict horror and pain unto all. Then threaten to strike him down with a blot of lightning. Of course when the thunderstorm starts he'd probably kill himself, but I think it would still be good for a laugh.