Ode to the Old

Here’s the thing about old people, they suck. Not to say their personalities suck or anything like that, I genuinely enjoy talking to my grandparents (except the dead one, she’s a little dull) it’s just that you can’t really play with them. Their memory is so short that a game of ‘Hide and Seek’ quickly deteriorates into a game of ‘Hide While Grandpa Gets a Sandwich,’ and you can’t roughhouse because if they cut themselves dust pours from the wounds uncontrollably until they bleed out.

I don’t want to sound like I’m being insensitive or anything, but I am. Quite frankly I don’t care what the elderly think about this and I don’t care if I offend them. I mean, what’s a geezer gonna do? Take me out of the will?....

…. Old people are the best! They’re smart and experienced and handsome and rich. They’ve got good fashion sense, a quick humor, and great business sense. You’ve still got it grandpa!

I can’t wait to be old. Seriously I can’t, and not just because you get to shit your pants. No, I’m kidding, it’s totally because you get to shit your pants. Old people can do pretty much anything they want and they get a free pass. The day that I qualify for a seniors discount is the day I just start shitting my pants fucking everywhere.

I’ve got this scene in my mind that I’m just spending my life waiting to live out. I’m old and I’m standing in a crowded elevator. I hit the stop button and over the alarm system I start screaming ‘DIANE, I CAN’T FEEL MY PANTS. RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, THE SQUIRRELS ARE COMING!!!!!!’ and while the rest of the elevator is sympathizing with my struggle with dementia, I emphatically shit my pants. The applause that follows is deafening.

You can just fuck with people when you’re old. In fact, I have a theory that nothing mentally changes with the elderly, they’re just screwing with us. There’s a convention in Florida once every 5 years where they agree on a bunch of characteristics for them to follow. Things like offhand racial remarks, poor driving, and pretending it wasn’t you who farted when it clearly was, Grandma!

This brings me to the greatest advantage of being old: sagging genitals. Now I know that a lot of you wouldn’t necessarily consider this a benefit, but allow me to explain. I shot off an email recently to an online ‘friend’ asking what she thought it would be like to be old. She responded like she always does, by telling me how to add inches to my cock and giving me links to animal porn. This got me to thinking about my grandpa’s testicles and I came to a shocking conclusion. I need therapy. Also, I concluded that the skin on his penis is sagging, making it larger, and his balls probably dangle like a tetherball.

When my nuts start drooping, I’m putting those bad boys right out on display. I’m surprised I don’t see more old guys in short shorts. My balls will never be inside my pants. I’ll always have them dangling out of my short legs, hell I’ll have them hanging out of my jeans. I’ll start every conversation with, ‘Look at the size of my balls!” When I buy new shoes I’ll get an extra one for my nuts and just let it swing along.

Not convinced, ladies? Well I’ve got some benefits for you, too. For starters, you can save money on shirts by just tucking your breasts into your pants. Secondly, you can have your husband eat you out and suck on your nipples at the same. Now I know what you’re thinking and the answer is yes. Yes, my mother does read this and yes she is very ashamed.

The final benefit to growing old is that you can do whatever the hell you want on the road. You can go 5 km/h on the highway, swerve across all the “lanes”, or drive right into a Korean fruit stand and people will forgive you when they see that you’re old. Contrary to this, most old people defy logic and drive very slowly. I’d imagine an old person’s steam powered train of thought would be thinking, ‘I better hurry, I could be dead any second,’ as they zoomed full speed through traffic, peeling out from red lights, trying desperately to reach their destination before the sweet release of death caught up to them. Oh well, live and learn. Then forget and die.

Some argue that growing old sucks because you lose control of your body as your physical abilities deteriorate. This may be true, but your body also adapts. It makes up for the things you lose. For example, as a woman ages it becomes more and more difficult to run. Your body recognizes this and to make up for it, your labia loosens, slapping against one another allowing your vagina to applaud your efforts.

Growing old is awesome. You can shit where and when you like, enjoy the cool wind on your saggy balls, and drive into whatever and whomever you like. Sure, every moment could be your last and all your friends are dead, but think of all the senior discounts.

Did I mention the saggy balls?