There are two types of people in this world, those that have been aborted, and those that have not. Now granted, in a perfect world many more of the latter would fall into the former group, alas this is not the case. The world is filled with dipshit assholes and no matter how persuasive that voice in your head is you can’t get away with killing them. No matter how liberal a judge you draw, chances are he won’t buy into your ‘belated abortion’ theory. Abortion is a serious matter. It’s an issue as close to my heart as a hanger to the head. But it's also a sensitive issue. People get pissed off when you joke about it, so for this reason I’m going to try to hold back on the jokes. For experimentations sake I’m gonna try to discuss a serious issue, Abortion, in a mature manner. Boobs.
It’s important to learn the difference between an aborted person and a non-aborted person. The central difference you will find is that an aborted person is dead, while a non-aborted person is often alive. When encountering an individual whom you believe to be a victim of abortion there is one important question you must ask. ‘Is this a functional human being, or a bloody mess of placenta on the floor?’ Generally, if the second answer is the correct one this person is an aborted person. If this is the case then Congratulations, you’ve found yourself an abortion. Pick that bad boy up and put it in your front pocket. Don’t worry, the mother doesn’t want it, that’s why she’s here. The first rule of aborted babies is ‘finders keepers,’ and chances are the doctor, father, and security guard all want it for themselves, so run. Run fast.
Once you get to a safe place you’re free to do all kinds of things with your new baby fetus. Remember, if the baby was aborted the law doesn’t consider it a person. It’s therefore legal to do whatever you want to it. Be creative, have fun. But be selective with who you tell about these escapades, most people tend to get upset if they hear about any sexual endeavors. Remember, that’s how you got into this mess in the first place, so be careful.
Eating it is always a safe and delicious choice. I know it sounds gross, but it’s not cannibalism if it’s not a person. Be warned, though, if your abortion is Indian, it will be spicy.
I’m just kidding folks. I don’t believe most of that crap, it’s just satire. It is only by joking about those issues that haunt us that we can fully overcome them. What’s the difference between a jew and pepperoni pizza? A pizza doesn’t scream when you put it in the over. Let the healing begin, people.
Let’s get down to some political analysis shall we? The irony of the whole abortion debate is that most pro-lifers are right wing. The people who are protesting in the streets screaming that every life is sacred are the same people voting for the death penalty. It’s absolutely ridiculous. How do you justify something like that? It’s like saying that if they’re gonna murder the guy, the least they can do is let him kill a couple people first. I guess they’re okay with institutionalized murder, as long as they get to watch.
I’m talking about the issues people!
What right does the government have to decide when it is and isn’t okay to kill a baby? It is a mother’s inherent right to decided when to murder her children! It’s right there in the Constitution, or… the bible. Or something.
It’s against the law to abort a baby once it reaches 7 weeks of age, but if it’s only been 6 weeks than shove that vacuum up your vajay jay, Momma’s goin’ dancing tonight! At what point of development does a person become a person? I don’t think there’s a date you can put on that kind of thing. I think you should be allowed to kill a baby until the moment you leave the hospital. And I don’t necessarily mean your baby, I mean any baby.
Baby killing’s a hot topic. There’re no easy answers. Some would argue that killing a baby is murder, plain and simple. Others argue that there’s blood and a potential baby pouring out of a woman at least 12 times a year, so what’s the big deal. There’s no right or wrong answer. Only one thing is certain; everyone’s got an opinion, and some are more complicated than others. I, for instance, am anti-abortion, but pro killing babies. The hunt is half the fun.
So who’s right? If only some omnipotent being could wrap it all up for is. Give us a Jerry Springer final thought on the issue, but that’s not gonna happen. All we can do is have our own opinions, do what we believe, and most importantly, joke about it. If we can’t laugh about the terrible things in this world then we just become a group of angry, unforgiving people. And then we’re no better than the blacks.
I feel better already.
