Generic Halloween Entry

Halloween is an interesting time of year. It allows adults to pretend to be something else so that they can surprise and frighten children who want nothing more than candy. They might as well call it Internet predator day.

I don’t wanna be a party pooper or anything but Halloween just makes no friggin sense! It’s a bunch of people who wear odd clothing, annoy strangers, and are rewarded with food. You gotta imagine that the novelty of Halloween is totally lost on the homeless. I’ve always wanted to walk up to a hobo on Halloween, knock on his box or whatever habitat he’s inhabiting, and scream ‘TRICK OR TREAT!!’ Then cry until he gives me either candy or money. Or sexual favors.

The problem with this plan is that I’ve never been able to find a homeless person on Halloween. My theory is that there’s no such thing as a ‘hobo costume,’ only a trick-or-treating hobo. I can only imagine the intensity of Halloween when you trick-or-treat to survive.

Still though, it’s amazing to see how entire communities can come together for a holiday with a main subtext of devil worship. Entire neighbourhoods decked out with orange lights, and scarecrows. There’s always one house that just takes it to far. That one house that covers the lawn with graves. Has scary music, and surprises waiting. You go walking up the path and somebody jumps out from behind a bush or a tree and kills one out of every three children. Those were good times. I sure do miss Mr. Somberland.

On the other hand there are those families who don’t wanna buy candy, decorate, or deal with little children. You can tell these houses by several subtle signs. First of all the lights will always be off to trick children that nobody is home this particular Thursday evening at 7. Secondly there will often be somebody just barely visible staring out the window with shifty eyes, praying to their god that you don’t knock. Thirdly there will be eggs splattered all over these houses.

The third group is by far the best. They’re well intentioned but just don’t seem to get the point of Halloween. These are the houses with pumpkins on the porches with little smiley faces drawn on with black magic marker. The houses with a grown man dressed as a character from ‘The Wizard of Oz’ wishing you a merry Christmas.

Sadly, once you reach the age of around 18 it’s shunned to be seen asking for Candy. Majority of these individuals tend to resort to the next best thing. Partying. Traditional Male costumes tend to aim for offensive and over-the-top: JFK (suit, lots of blood), erotic superheroes such as DildoMan, or simply an abortion. Traditional female costumes are very varied: Slut.

I prefer to spend my Halloweens in a unique way. I like to dress up as The Grim Reaper and go to the nearest retirement home. The rest pretty much writes itself. You should see the elderly’s eyes when they spot me. The range of reactions I get are almost as colorful as the stains that form in their pants.

Yup, Halloween truly is a time of terror. Gotta make you wonder how it all began. Was there a formal agreement that every year we change the rule from ‘never accept candy from strangers’ to ‘never accept candy from strangers, unless they’re dressed as a pirate’ on one day of the year? Or was it more an independent project that sort of gained a cult following.

Jim: Honey, what do you want to do tonight?
Samantha: I don’t know darling.
Jim: How about we dress up as Mr. and Mrs. Pacman and ask our neighbours for candy.
Samantha: That sounds like fun. Let me just hollow out this pumpkin, so I can place a miniature fire inside it.

I mean, how does that tradition catch on? It’s amazing how illogical people will act for free candy.

What’s truly amazing is that you don’t see more Santa Clause’s on Halloween. Christmas is only two months away, why not get a costume you can reuse. You don’t even have to be Christian. Hell, even if you’re Jewish go as Santa. It’s just practical.

I’d love to keep writing, but I’ve got a pile of candy to eat, and a Hurrican Katrina costume to put away. So try not to eat too much, and whatever you do, stay away from Mr. Somberland’s house.

Happy Halloween

Have the Time of Your Life

Please don't take the time to read this. Go outside; I have nothing productive or insightful to say.

These are the prime years of your life. Your older and wiser now then you’ve ever been and you’re spending your free time reading this dribble. I literally wrote that sentence while sitting on the toilet taking a crap.

Take it all in. This is your life.

Every second of every day you get older. Every passing moment you’re closer to death. Your good looks, your smarts, and that thing you can do with your tongue are all temporary. Enjoy them while you can, ‘cause soon enough you’ll have to page that nice new Intern to help you shit into a bag.

There is a saying from a very wise man about the nature of life. He says. “Life is a roller coaster. It moves really fast, and if you can’t handle it, it’s not stopping ‘till the ride’s over.” That wise man was me. Just now. And I completely forget what my point was.

I can’t believe you’re still reading this; you make me sad.

The beautiful thing about time is that once you’ve used up a part of it, you can never have that again. That’s why time travel is so appealing to all of us. Think of all the things that you could do with the ability to travel in time. Bring a cigar, a top hat, and little tuxedo to your own birth, so that you’re born smoking a cigar and dressed to kill. Bring a pack of condoms to the night your children were conceived, or simply perform your own rendition of ‘Ice Ice Baby’ to a group of cavemen. The possibilities are endless.

Even more enticing is the ability to travel to the future. Go to where you’re going to be, jump out from behind the corner and make your old self crap your pants out of fear. Then you can travel back in time and surprise your future self surprising yourself so that he craps his pants. There are literally a limitless supply of ways to make you crap your pants.

If only.

Time travel isn’t real. Everybody gets old and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. So enjoy your youth while you can. Take it from somebody who’s young and doesn’t spend much time with the elderly, that being old sucks. As my grandfather once said:

“Being old sucks. Please, kill me.”

Trust me on that one. He’d probably deny ever saying it if you confronted him, but what does he know? He’s senile.

This is your life. You get one shot and then you die. Do something productive or at the very least enjoy yourself. Don’t waste time.

And for god's sake, don't you dare read this again.