Don’t freak out or anything, I’m not doubting his existence or divinity. I don’t care if he was the son of god, and by no means am I claiming that he was not. I’m sure Mary was a virgin (if you don’t count anal), and I’m sure Jesus walked on water (Ice). Regardless of your 
beliefs you cannot argue the fact that the son of god was weak as a motherfucker.
I don’t want any arguments from all of you who are now finished ‘Da Vinci Code’ proclaiming, “Jesus wasn’t a god, he was a painter” or whatever Dan Brown’s point was, I’m just stating a fact. If I had an arm-wrestle with Jesus I would flat out kick his pansy ass. And that’s before we stick rusty nails through his hands. Shit, even Buddha would kick his ass in a fight.
Aside from that whole ‘son of god’ thing, Jesus had things pretty crappy. I mean sure, he had divine powers and all, but there’s more to a man than magic powers. As David Blaine has demonstrated, there’s also pointless publicity stunts, but I digress. Jesus’s life wasn’t that great. His birthday was on Christmas, so he only got one present instead of two, and he was a carpenter. He freaking built things out of wood for a living. Tables, benches, crosses, e.t.c. On top of that, he was cursed with the bodily physique of Olive Oyl from ‘Popeye’.
Jesus overcame these short-comings and even became a bit of a fashion icon. He invented the ‘hippy look.’ Long hair, shaggy beard, long flowing hair, unrealistic views, and no apparent concern for hygiene. God probably referred to him as ‘my faggot son.’ But what can you really expect? Gods clearly not around to raise the kid, so he’s left with Mary and Joseph. I’m sure Mary did her 
best, but she can only do so much in this man-ruled patriarchy, and where’s Joseph’s inspiration? His wife had a child with another man. And the other man was god. Joseph’s sitting at home with blue balls, when Mary walks in the door.
Mary: Surprise, I’m pregnant
Joseph: WTF!?!?!? Who’s the father?
Mary: God
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Now Joseph has to raise his wife’s messiah love child, and he doesn’t even get any play out of it. God is such a playa.
Wait, what was my point again? Oh yeah, Jesus was a little biatch. Clearly if you were to organize a game of Dodgeball among all religious icons, Jesus would probably be the last one chosen. He clearly throws like a girl and if you hit him, he’d probably die. Face it people, Jesus was the acne riddled nerd with glasses. This applies to all sports: football, soccer, ping pong, basketball. Just because you can turn water into blood doesn’t mean you can hit a three.
Imagine Jesus in the gym. Struggling to bench press the bar. Curling fives and sweating bullets. Practicing Yoga, and participating in the ‘Cycling’ classes. What a sissy.
I’m certain that I had a reason for writing this, but I’ve completely forgotten what that was. So…. I guess I’ll just end by apologizing for everything I just wrote. Please ignore everything preceding this statement.
Jesus rocks.
