Jesus was a Pussy

I was reflecting on something my brother said recently (god help me), and I realized that he was 100% correct. Jesus Christ was a pussy. I mean seriously… he was a scrawny, little bitch.

Don’t freak out or anything, I’m not doubting his existence or divinity. I don’t care if he was the son of god, and by no means am I claiming that he was not. I’m sure Mary was a virgin (if you don’t count anal), and I’m sure Jesus walked on water (Ice). Regardless of your beliefs you cannot argue the fact that the son of god was weak as a motherfucker.

I don’t want any arguments from all of you who are now finished ‘Da Vinci Code’ proclaiming, “Jesus wasn’t a god, he was a painter” or whatever Dan Brown’s point was, I’m just stating a fact. If I had an arm-wrestle with Jesus I would flat out kick his pansy ass. And that’s before we stick rusty nails through his hands. Shit, even Buddha would kick his ass in a fight.

Aside from that whole ‘son of god’ thing, Jesus had things pretty crappy. I mean sure, he had divine powers and all, but there’s more to a man than magic powers. As David Blaine has demonstrated, there’s also pointless publicity stunts, but I digress. Jesus’s life wasn’t that great. His birthday was on Christmas, so he only got one present instead of two, and he was a carpenter. He freaking built things out of wood for a living. Tables, benches, crosses, e.t.c. On top of that, he was cursed with the bodily physique of Olive Oyl from ‘Popeye’.

Jesus overcame these short-comings and even became a bit of a fashion icon. He invented the ‘hippy look.’ Long hair, shaggy beard, long flowing hair, unrealistic views, and no apparent concern for hygiene. God probably referred to him as ‘my faggot son.’ But what can you really expect? Gods clearly not around to raise the kid, so he’s left with Mary and Joseph. I’m sure Mary did her best, but she can only do so much in this man-ruled patriarchy, and where’s Joseph’s inspiration? His wife had a child with another man. And the other man was god. Joseph’s sitting at home with blue balls, when Mary walks in the door.

Mary: Surprise, I’m pregnant
Joseph: WTF!?!?!? Who’s the father?
Mary: God
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!

Now Joseph has to raise his wife’s messiah love child, and he doesn’t even get any play out of it. God is such a playa.

Wait, what was my point again? Oh yeah, Jesus was a little biatch. Clearly if you were to organize a game of Dodgeball among all religious icons, Jesus would probably be the last one chosen. He clearly throws like a girl and if you hit him, he’d probably die. Face it people, Jesus was the acne riddled nerd with glasses. This applies to all sports: football, soccer, ping pong, basketball. Just because you can turn water into blood doesn’t mean you can hit a three.

Imagine Jesus in the gym. Struggling to bench press the bar. Curling fives and sweating bullets. Practicing Yoga, and participating in the ‘Cycling’ classes. What a sissy.

I’m certain that I had a reason for writing this, but I’ve completely forgotten what that was. So…. I guess I’ll just end by apologizing for everything I just wrote. Please ignore everything preceding this statement.

Jesus rocks.

Amen.

Why Aren't You Reading Dan Brown?

If you're reading this then I have to assume that you've already read Dan Brown's "The Da Vinci Code." If you hadn't then you would be among the millions of other people who are giving handjobs in alleyways to get copies of it, because god forbid they see the movie before reading the book.

This logic puzzles me. Thousands of movies have been made based on books, but people have no intention of reading these books before going to see their films. 'Curious George' was an excellent movie all in by itself. You don't need to read the books to get it, the movie stands by itself. There's a monkey. He's fucking Curious. The end.

Millions of people flock to these movies without reading their source material. The Perfect Storm, Catch Me if You Can, Road to Perdition and many many more are seen by the blissfully illiterate. But Dan Brown claims Jesus got it on, and we've all gotta read it before we see Forrest Gump discover the truth. You didn't read H.G Wells before seeing 'The Time Machine', you didn't read W.P. Kinsella's "Shoeless Joe" before crying through Field of Dreams, and you sure as hell didn't read "Mein Kampf" before watching Passion of the Christ.

Don't get me wrong, I read 'Da Vinci Code' last summer and thought it was pretty good. Aside from the fact that Dan Brown writes under the same rules and regulations as my last blog entry, it was decent thriller with some trivial religious theories. I'm not a christian freak or anything, I'm a jew, I just don't think 'Code' was as fact-based and meaningful as "Fahrenheit 9/11" (<---Sarcasm). For all I care Jesus was a coke sniffing, whore murdering, baby eating, fire breathing, ninja... just so long as you can prove it.

I've got nothing against people reading this book, in fact I encourage it. I just don't understand that because a movie is coming out based on the book, you all have to read the book first. If you were planning on reading the book, then you have read it. Now if you're only reading the book because you wanna read it before you see the movie, then you're an idiot. If you didn't plan on reading the book, don't read it. If you were planning on seeing the movie, go see it. These two have nothing to do with each other. It's like demanding to fuck your fiancee's mother before marrying her. Read the book if you wanna read the book, see the movie if you wanna see the movie. Don't read the book because you wanna see the movie. Are you people retarded? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.

Secondly, the book is usually better than the movie. So see the movie first so you can enjoy it, then read the book to appreciate the source. Don't be that guy coming out of 'Lord of the Rings' with his fake troll feet, Gandalf hat, and back hair complaining about how they changed this and moved that. Reading books ruins movies. You can't enjoy a movie if you know what's gonna happen. That's why nobody has fun watching films about the Holocaust. Don't believe me? Snape kills Dumbledore. There, enjoy the next Harry Potter movie, asshole.

It's amazing how people can be so desperate to read this book and see this movie and yet know absolutely nothing about the book. What I've been doing is going up to everyone I know and casually telling them that Da Vinci dies. They FREAK OUT!!!! For the record, Da Vinci, is Leonardo Da Vinci and......*SPOILER ALERT... he's been dead for almost 500 years.

I'm thinking about turning this into a video blog so I guess I'll just stop ranting and finish it here so you'll be able to finish reading it in time for the film.