Black Tuesday

There’s a lot of ridiculous shit going on in the world right now. If 10 years ago I told people that Arnold Schwarzenegger would be elected Governor of California they’d laugh in my face, call me crazy, and make fun of me for my parents being divorced. I’d guess the odds of Michael Jackson becoming a white pedophile were about as likely as Schwarzenegger’s re-election slogan not being “I’ll Be Back.” In all this madness, though; in all this retarded shit-headed craziness, the United States found the progressive rational sense to elect Barack Obama, an African American man, President.

If somebody were to travel to just 4 years ago and tell me that in 2008 a black man would be President, I’d be in disbelief. I can’t even imagine what I would say. Probably something along the lines of, “Holy shit! You can time travel!?!! Aren’t you scared you’ll change the future? Do I become an astronaut?”

Canada also recently had an election, but it’s difficult to compare the two. For example one of the largest issues in the American election was foreign policy. In Canada however we’re pretty mellow, so there’s not much concern there. Besides, we have the best army in the world: The United States Army. Also, we Canadians don’t have the same kind of deep rooted hatred of black people. We’re just curious what they look like in person.

There was a lot of focus on the debates this year but quite frankly, I found them underwhelming. Maybe it’s not fair for me to compare them to the debates of 2004. I’ll never forget the Vice-Presidential debates, where Dick Cheney growled menacingly into the microphone for an hour and forty seven minutes before chasing a stray cat out the emergency exit. And the way George Bush finished all of his argument by raising both arms in triumph, letting go of the microphone, and slowly backing away from his podium still gives me the chills.

Still, nobody can deny the profound statement of the election of a black president. I’ve been dead on the inside for a long time, and when they announced Barack Obama the winner, even I, a grizzled cynical fat cunt, felt a strange emotion come over me that can only be described as ‘not hate.’ What happened was incredible, nobody can deny that, but I’m getting tired of people claiming that we would’ve made our founding fathers proud. If you were to tell one of the founding fathers that one day we’d have a black president, he’d probably say something like “can this wait?” because he’d be busy raping a slave.

But hey, black people…. We’re cool now, right? Awesome, high five! No, I mean that funky way you do it!

In all honesty the election of a black man isn’t something I could imagine happening within my lifetime. I’m a pretty cynical guy. I look around at the world and I see idiotic vengeful people acting in hateful intolerant ways to each other, and I’ve always been ashamed to be a part of it. On November 4th, however, I held back tears as Barack Obama was announced President not in spite of the color of his skin, but indifferent of it. I watched in awe as the best man for the job won and for the first time I can remember entertaining the notion that maybe all this time, I was wrong.

Amid all the celebrating and praise, what seemed to go unnoticed was the passing of Proposition 8, which stripped homosexuals of their right to wed, in California. The gay community held several large protests against the bill, but were largely unsuccessful as they were simply mistaken for parades.

‘How can such a progressive state vote in such an openly hateful and discriminatory fashion?,’ many theoretical pundits ask rhetorically in my head. The loss is being attributed to two factors. Firstly, much of the gay community couldn’t make it out to vote as they were busy at home burning bibles and teaching their adopted children the joys of sodomy. Also, there was a very large and expensive marketing campaign in favor of the ban. The campaign was, of course, largely backed by the Catholic Church, who apparently finds the thought of a Priest having sex with an adult male horrifying. It also got a strong vote of support from the Mormon Community who believe that the sanctity of marriage is a holy bond between a man and 4 to 20 women.

This election was fuelled by a fierce desire of the people to stand up against the hatred and prejudices that have underlined this nation and proudly proclaim ‘no more!’ Barack Obama won the Presidency on a campaign of change. He and Vice-President elect Joe Biden are both opposed to gay marriage. The people of California have voted to strip homosexuals of their basic civil rights, because they don’t like where they’re putting their cocks. Blacks, Whites, Muslims, and Christians are all coming together, hand in hand, to tell homosexuals they they’re not entitled to the same rights as the rest of us because they’re different, and that scares us. We’ve reached out to Barack Obama to lead us and in our own grand self delusion we’ve labeled ourselves agents of change while practicing more of the same.

Barack’s victory is a great one. It’s monumental, and historical, and all that shit. I am proud to be alive in a time where this kind of thing is possible. I even got caught up in the myth of it all for a moment. We’re entertaining the notion of letting African Americans into our little bubble of supremacy and it’s a good start. A black president is wonderful, but I’m not ready to celebrate yet. Call me when a Persian or an Atheist can be president. Call me when a homosexual can hold the office. Until then you can find me here, among my angry ranting, holding onto hope. Do what you want to the constitution, you can’t take that away from me.