Why I Suck.

Vaginas are wonderful. They’re soft, moist, and inviting, and I’ve been assured that they exist. The problem is that most vaginas are attached to women and most women are allergic to my penis. I don't mean to sound jaded, but if there’s anything I’ve learned from talking to women, it’s that ‘Get away from me creep!” It’s not that I’m overly aggressive or anything, it’s just that I'm, as my grandmother tells me, physically repulsive. No, I’m just kidding. My grandma’s dead.

Now admittedly, I’m no expert in the ways of the woman. The only time I ever get chicks is when they mistake me for a lesbian, but they say to write what you know, so here goes. An equilateral triangle has three equal sides, Taipei is the Capital of Taiwan, and Superman’s alter-ego is Clark Kent.

Approaching women is intimidating. Woody Allen once said that “80% of success is showing up” and that’s a saying I’ve really adopted. True to his spirit I plan on marrying and having sex with it. A lot of men have trouble approaching women, but not me. I’m fine with starting up a conversation with a lady, I just never know what to say after she maces me. My ‘game’ kinda flies out the window and I just run around screaming.

I’ve been in a bit of a dry spell for the past couple decades so I’ve adopted some new moves to help spice things up. Most notably I’ve stopped talking to women and I gotta tell you, they really seem to like that. It’s weird though because when I was younger I was a bit of a schoolyard player. In fact, I think I can pinpoint where it all went wrong. A while back I thought I was in love. It turned out to be gas, but that didn’t ease the pain when we broke up. Her name was Jennifer and I’ve never even mentioned her to my family or friends because she’s fictional and I just made her up.

Jenny was deaf and it was hard ending it with her. Don’t me wrong, her hearing impairment wasn’t an issue, I just couldn’t stand what a total airhead she was. She was always telling me to talk to the hand. Well she didn’t so much say it as semi-coherently mumble it. It’s for the best though, she was a terrible listener. Besides, she was tall and I like ‘em petite because small girls make me feel more masculine and I know that if we ever got into a fight, I could kill her.

What really bothers me is that on the top of every women’s list of what they want in a man is ‘sense of humor.’ I couldn’t figure this one out, because it’s so obviously not true, and then one day it hit me. What they mean is that it’s important that a man has a sense of humor because when they say that, they’re clearly joking. The problem with this theory is that women find anything an attractive man says fucking hilarious. That’s the main difference between men and women because I don’t do that with attractive women. In fact, I try to stay as quiet as possible around beautiful women because if they hear me laughing they'll know where I'm hiding and call the police.

So what options am I left with? I mean there’s always rape, but I don’t think I could handle the awkward silence immediately afterwards. Besides I went to grade school with a kid who would sexually molest girls and I don’t wanna be like him. He would pass around little notes that said things like “Dear Mary, Can I rape you? Please check a box!” and there would just be one small checkbox with the word “Yes” beside it. Also, I can’t grow a mustache.

All hope isn't lost though. They say women love confidence so I'm being pro-active by trying to better myself. I'm currently reading a self help book called, 'A Complete Idiots Guide to Self Esteem.' Worst case scenario I'll learn something about poorly titled books.

Marijuanalogue: Poetry for Potheads

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The unknown vast and limitless nothingness looms menacingly;
Forced to cope with a world of regret, abandoned and alone;
Solace is granted in the form of an herb;
Perception warped, ignited, enhanced;
The world viewed anew, fresh and forgiving-- I am at peace with all;
The whirling, cleansing consciousness, aspires to the divine and I...

HOLY SHIT, I HAVE DORITOS?!?!?!?!!!?!?

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