.
"I just flew in from the battered women's shelter and boy are my arms tired!".
Monday, June 23, 2008
Friday, June 20, 2008
When TV Jumped the Shark
The school year has ended and I have begun to waste away in my own unemployed crapulence. Needless to say I am faced with a lot of free time and the tedious task of filling it. I’ve taken on a few different strategies to cope. First of all, I’ve found that sleeping can kill a great deal of time. Seriously. I just lie down, close my eyes, and I sleep. Sometimes up to 8 or 9 hours a day! For much of my remaining waking hours I struggle to keep myself busy because, well, you can’t masturbate all of the time. Trust me, it bleeds. To remedy the situation I’ve turned to masochism. That’s right, I’ve returned to my old friend, the television.
TV and I used to be tight. It would entertain me, and I would buy the shit it told me to. The system worked. Sometime between then and now, however, TV decided that it was better than me and instead of trying to entertain me, it would just play reality television shows. Ignoring the fact that this very title is an oxymoron, I would like to point out, for the record, that reality television is the embodiment of everything that is wrong with anything ever. It’s like the studios decided that rather than giving actors good scripts and filming them, they would just not give them scripts, and film that.
The other day I was watching NBC when they introduced me to a brand new show called, I swear I’m not kidding, ‘Celebrity Circus.’ I’m just going to type that one more time. Celebrity. Fucking. Circus. Now on the off chance that your brain hasn’t physically melted and begun to ooze out of your ears, I will take this opportunity to dispel any notions of respectability and point out that it is hosted by Joey Fatone of NSync 'fame.' His last name, coincidentally, describes exactly which member he was.
There’s no way I can imagine a show like this legitimately getting greenlit. It’s so stupid, that I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s actual a parody of how dumb reality TV has become. But this in itself is a problem. I don’t want my television self aware. I can’t laugh at it if it’s in on the joke. It’s like if a Cerebral Palsy victim hobbles up to me and yells ‘DON’T CEREBRAL PALSY VICTIMS LOOK STUPID!?!” It stops being funny and starts being sad. And that is what television has become. A retarded cripple with no perception of volume.
I don’t even know how reality television became so popular. Most horrific things start off as a good idea and then quickly deteriorate. For example, Robin Williams used to be funny before he started doing a bad impression of himself. Even something as terrible as AIDS started as something as wonderful as monkey rape. Reality TV never seemed like a good idea though. It’s progression is so ridiculous I feel stupid even typing it. It starts with MTV’s “The Real World.” That show is literally just people in a house. Then it evolved into ‘Big Brother.’ Big Brother is also people in a house, but this time, somebody wins. No stepping stone from here, it was just the Big Bang of Shit. Shows pop up left and right. People in all kinds of places, falling in love with all kinds of people, and winning all kinds of crap, and then one day, Ta Da! Celebrity Circus.
Reality TV shows are so cheap and they’re being produced so fast and frequently, I fear that within a few years every single person in the world will have their own camera crew following them around for their TV show. Society will come down to nothing but an all out ratings war, with people trying to spice up their shows however they can. Before we know it there’ll be ninjas and killer robots attacking left and right. Dramatic Soap Opera style fights and explosions, paternity tests, shootouts, and just all around mayhem as everyone does everything they can to secure viewers.
Then one day, some TV executive will have the genius idea of reintroducing scripted television. Only reality will be so ridiculous that the scripted, escapist, entertainment, will just be people hanging out, reading books, and talking about the weather. Of course by then the public will be too high-brow and they’ll demand that their scripted shows be more realistic. They start incorporating ninjas and killer robots, returning television to the ridiculous entertainment we once enjoyed and reality to what we now consider normal. That is, of course, until somebody decides that reality TV is ready for a comeback. Humanity suffers on ongoing cycle of robots as escapism and ninjas as reality over and over until we all become so stupid that we stop watching television and start producing it.
The worst thing about reality TV though, is that I occasionally find myself watching it. The other day was the finale of my favorite show, ‘Interpretive Dancing with the Stars.’ Michael J. Fox won when he had to perform, ‘Earthquake.’ It was AMAZING!!
Also, it's becoming almost impossible to do anything about it. Television cronies seem to speak a different language. Terms like ‘shoulder peak’ and ‘frankenbite’ make no sense to us normal folk, but have become a part of regular vernacular in ‘TV Speak.’ Even saying something basic like, ‘shoot a pilot’ doesn’t mean the same thing for a TV executive as it does for, say, an Iraqi.
I grew up on wholesome shows. Shows like Sesame Street, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and the Power Rangers. Shows embracing equality and even, occasionally, intelligence. Sure there were traces of racism, like making the Asian girl the Yellow Ranger and the Black guy the Black Ranger. It probably didn’t help that when they transformed into their respective attack vehicles, they called the black one, ‘Niggerbot,’ but ultimately it taught me that regardless of race we’re all equal when fighting side by side. Even niggers.
Sometimes I wonder if maybe mankind is nothing more than entertainment for some sort of supreme being or extraterrestrials. At least then we’d be the good kind of show. The kind that isn’t in on the joke. Maybe we’re the kid with Cerebral Palsy that doesn’t know everyone is laughing at him when he falls down the stairs. It’s possible we’re nothing more than a big galactic reality show.
And I hope to god we get cancelled very soon.
TV and I used to be tight. It would entertain me, and I would buy the shit it told me to. The system worked. Sometime between then and now, however, TV decided that it was better than me and instead of trying to entertain me, it would just play reality television shows. Ignoring the fact that this very title is an oxymoron, I would like to point out, for the record, that reality television is the embodiment of everything that is wrong with anything ever. It’s like the studios decided that rather than giving actors good scripts and filming them, they would just not give them scripts, and film that.
The other day I was watching NBC when they introduced me to a brand new show called, I swear I’m not kidding, ‘Celebrity Circus.’ I’m just going to type that one more time. Celebrity. Fucking. Circus. Now on the off chance that your brain hasn’t physically melted and begun to ooze out of your ears, I will take this opportunity to dispel any notions of respectability and point out that it is hosted by Joey Fatone of NSync 'fame.' His last name, coincidentally, describes exactly which member he was.
There’s no way I can imagine a show like this legitimately getting greenlit. It’s so stupid, that I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s actual a parody of how dumb reality TV has become. But this in itself is a problem. I don’t want my television self aware. I can’t laugh at it if it’s in on the joke. It’s like if a Cerebral Palsy victim hobbles up to me and yells ‘DON’T CEREBRAL PALSY VICTIMS LOOK STUPID!?!” It stops being funny and starts being sad. And that is what television has become. A retarded cripple with no perception of volume.
I don’t even know how reality television became so popular. Most horrific things start off as a good idea and then quickly deteriorate. For example, Robin Williams used to be funny before he started doing a bad impression of himself. Even something as terrible as AIDS started as something as wonderful as monkey rape. Reality TV never seemed like a good idea though. It’s progression is so ridiculous I feel stupid even typing it. It starts with MTV’s “The Real World.” That show is literally just people in a house. Then it evolved into ‘Big Brother.’ Big Brother is also people in a house, but this time, somebody wins. No stepping stone from here, it was just the Big Bang of Shit. Shows pop up left and right. People in all kinds of places, falling in love with all kinds of people, and winning all kinds of crap, and then one day, Ta Da! Celebrity Circus.
Reality TV shows are so cheap and they’re being produced so fast and frequently, I fear that within a few years every single person in the world will have their own camera crew following them around for their TV show. Society will come down to nothing but an all out ratings war, with people trying to spice up their shows however they can. Before we know it there’ll be ninjas and killer robots attacking left and right. Dramatic Soap Opera style fights and explosions, paternity tests, shootouts, and just all around mayhem as everyone does everything they can to secure viewers.
Then one day, some TV executive will have the genius idea of reintroducing scripted television. Only reality will be so ridiculous that the scripted, escapist, entertainment, will just be people hanging out, reading books, and talking about the weather. Of course by then the public will be too high-brow and they’ll demand that their scripted shows be more realistic. They start incorporating ninjas and killer robots, returning television to the ridiculous entertainment we once enjoyed and reality to what we now consider normal. That is, of course, until somebody decides that reality TV is ready for a comeback. Humanity suffers on ongoing cycle of robots as escapism and ninjas as reality over and over until we all become so stupid that we stop watching television and start producing it.
The worst thing about reality TV though, is that I occasionally find myself watching it. The other day was the finale of my favorite show, ‘Interpretive Dancing with the Stars.’ Michael J. Fox won when he had to perform, ‘Earthquake.’ It was AMAZING!!
Also, it's becoming almost impossible to do anything about it. Television cronies seem to speak a different language. Terms like ‘shoulder peak’ and ‘frankenbite’ make no sense to us normal folk, but have become a part of regular vernacular in ‘TV Speak.’ Even saying something basic like, ‘shoot a pilot’ doesn’t mean the same thing for a TV executive as it does for, say, an Iraqi.
I grew up on wholesome shows. Shows like Sesame Street, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and the Power Rangers. Shows embracing equality and even, occasionally, intelligence. Sure there were traces of racism, like making the Asian girl the Yellow Ranger and the Black guy the Black Ranger. It probably didn’t help that when they transformed into their respective attack vehicles, they called the black one, ‘Niggerbot,’ but ultimately it taught me that regardless of race we’re all equal when fighting side by side. Even niggers.
Sometimes I wonder if maybe mankind is nothing more than entertainment for some sort of supreme being or extraterrestrials. At least then we’d be the good kind of show. The kind that isn’t in on the joke. Maybe we’re the kid with Cerebral Palsy that doesn’t know everyone is laughing at him when he falls down the stairs. It’s possible we’re nothing more than a big galactic reality show.
And I hope to god we get cancelled very soon.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Saturday, June 07, 2008
The Divine Comedy?
The other day when I was out on my travels somebody stopped me and asked who my comic inspirations are. Well, let me rephrase. The other day someone asked me for the time, in response to which, I told him who my comic inspirations are. It was a hard question to answer because I’ve had so many, but I was able to construct a crude list off the top of my head. I started with the first three big ones I could think of: The Simpsons, Conan O’Brien, and my father. At this point the guy realized I had no intention of telling him the time and he walked away. I continued, however, because I was very, very, high. Several minutes later, after many more names and awkward stares, I came to my final and most revealing influence. I never realized the true comedic inspiration I’ve drawn from him until I muttered his name out loud to myself on the bus that day. “God,” I declared before adding, “It’s around 2:30.”
I’ve often debated whether God, if he exists, has a sense of humor. My initial reaction, thinking about the tragedy that occurred on 9/11, is no. It’s not the act itself that dissuades me, It’s just that if God had any sense of humor, he would’ve made the Middle Easterners attack America on 7/11. On the other hand, he made midgets.
I don’t want to give the impression that I hold no bias in this debate, I am, admittedly, an atheist. I used to be a believer but then a homeless man shattered my faith when he asked me if god could microwave a burrito so hot that not even he could eat it. This spiritual query had a severe affect on me and I could tell the homeless man knew it by the look in his eye when I told him, “I don’t know.” He really wanted that burrito.
I think it’s become clear though, that if God does exist, he has a great sense of humor. I mean, just look at the fossils; burying dinosaurs bones to test our faith? Now THAT’S wacky! It’s relieving to know that God had a sense of humor in creating humans; what is disappointing is that humans have shown no sense of humor in worshipping God.
Religion is serious business. On September 30, 2005, a Dutch newspaper printed some cartoons that offended members of the Islamic faith resulting in riots, the burning of Danish embassies of Syria, Lebanon, and Iran, and resulting in over 100 deaths. They have subsequently cancelled publication of ‘Family Circus, in Denmark.
The point is, people are very sensitive about their gods. It is not surprising then that Jews, God’s self-proclaimed “Chosen People,” are among one of the most hated groups in the world. The biggest criticism I hear is that all Jews love money which, quite honestly, is ridiculous. I mean when you go to Church they hand around a collection plate and tell you to give them money; when you go to Synagogue, they give you free hats! I’ve always imagined Catholics putting money into the collection plate, quietly mumbling to themselves, ‘here take it, I don’t want it. This shit’s for the jews!!!!” Just because the Jewish people have a lot of money, doesn’t mean we love it more than you, we’re just better businessmen. Jews are better at focusing and concentrating on the tasks at hand than most other groups because we spent so much time at concentration camps. You can go too if you want, but piece of advice: eat a big meal first.
Maybe it’s not fair to say that religion has no sense of humor, after all, Mormons wear magic underwear and believe in polygamy. I had a Mormon teacher when I was in high school and it was great. We’d have multiple choice tests and you could choose as many answers as you wanted. Buddhism also seems like they can take a joke. I mean, the main doctrines of Buddhism are to denounce material things and find inner enlightenment. In other words, they’re lazy. And the entire religion was founded by one man, one lazy, poor, fat man. Buddhist communion ceremonies replaced communion crackers and wine with cupcakes and chocolate milk. It’s delivered via drive-thru.
Al Qaeda members probably seem like they have the least sense of humor. I mean, sure, they’ve got that ‘HALALALALA’ sound they make before they stab you, and when they say ‘Go out with a bang,’ they really mean it, but that whole ‘72 virgins thing’ just throws me off. Radical Islamists are told that if they die in the name of Allah they will go to Heaven where they will receive 72 virgins. However, nothing that I’ve read of the Qu’ran (the title) says anything about the age or sex of these virgins. If God has the sense of humor I hope he does, I can only imagine that radical Islamists who kill themselves, and others, for God, find themselves in “heaven” where they’re put in control of a foster home, and forced to take care of 72 little babies. Enjoy your virgins, assholes.
There is one humorous element that many religions seem to share, an element many consider to be the ‘missing link.’ This element is, of course, funny hats. Jews start with Yarmulkes. Small headwear, effective and original, but being the short minded fools we are we gave them away like hotcakes. Next came the Sikhs. They said, “nice hats, jews! But check this shit out!” and they got bigger, funnier hats. In comes Christianity. “Guys, guys, guys,” Christianity interjects. “Christianity’s only gonna have one hat.” “One hat?” asks Judaism. “One hat,” Christianity confirms. “But it’ll be fucking huge! And we’ll cover it with jewels and shit, and make it pointy at the top. It’ll be soo sick, you have no idea!” And so the Pope, to this day, retains the funniest hat.
Do funny hats translate into senses of humor, though? Well let’s look at the track record: Witch hunting, the Inquisition, and Child molestation. I guess 1/3 isn’t that bad. To analyze Christianity we need to look at its mascot, Jesus Christ. Now I’ve written about Jesus before, but the only conclusion I came to is that I could beat him in a wrestling match, but I made no guess as to who would win in a comedy face-off.
God being the standup comedian that he is, it’s no surprise that his son is a magician. That being said he works in sadistic and confusing ways. People often ask me if I’ve found Jesus, but I don’t understand why I should be looking. For certain people it makes sense to hide. Osama Bin Laden, for instance, makes sense. Waldo also checks out, but Jesus? Story doesn’t make sense; “he’ll save your soul, but you gotta catch him first!”
And so here we are at the conclusion and still with no answer. Does God have a sense of humor? History tells us that God’s done some pretty terrible things. He even tried to kill off mankind with Noah’s Ark. Then again, it’s gotta take a pretty wild sense of humor to wake up one morning and go ‘Wait a minute, I should put all of the animals on a boat. Yeah, yeah, all the animals and, fucking…. THAT GUY!!!” So how about it? Is God a joker? Well they say that God made man in his own image, and if that’s true, than looking around me at the world we live in, I can say definitively that no. No, god does not have a sense a humor.
But then again, he did make midgets…..
I’ve often debated whether God, if he exists, has a sense of humor. My initial reaction, thinking about the tragedy that occurred on 9/11, is no. It’s not the act itself that dissuades me, It’s just that if God had any sense of humor, he would’ve made the Middle Easterners attack America on 7/11. On the other hand, he made midgets.
I don’t want to give the impression that I hold no bias in this debate, I am, admittedly, an atheist. I used to be a believer but then a homeless man shattered my faith when he asked me if god could microwave a burrito so hot that not even he could eat it. This spiritual query had a severe affect on me and I could tell the homeless man knew it by the look in his eye when I told him, “I don’t know.” He really wanted that burrito.
I think it’s become clear though, that if God does exist, he has a great sense of humor. I mean, just look at the fossils; burying dinosaurs bones to test our faith? Now THAT’S wacky! It’s relieving to know that God had a sense of humor in creating humans; what is disappointing is that humans have shown no sense of humor in worshipping God.
Religion is serious business. On September 30, 2005, a Dutch newspaper printed some cartoons that offended members of the Islamic faith resulting in riots, the burning of Danish embassies of Syria, Lebanon, and Iran, and resulting in over 100 deaths. They have subsequently cancelled publication of ‘Family Circus, in Denmark.
The point is, people are very sensitive about their gods. It is not surprising then that Jews, God’s self-proclaimed “Chosen People,” are among one of the most hated groups in the world. The biggest criticism I hear is that all Jews love money which, quite honestly, is ridiculous. I mean when you go to Church they hand around a collection plate and tell you to give them money; when you go to Synagogue, they give you free hats! I’ve always imagined Catholics putting money into the collection plate, quietly mumbling to themselves, ‘here take it, I don’t want it. This shit’s for the jews!!!!” Just because the Jewish people have a lot of money, doesn’t mean we love it more than you, we’re just better businessmen. Jews are better at focusing and concentrating on the tasks at hand than most other groups because we spent so much time at concentration camps. You can go too if you want, but piece of advice: eat a big meal first.
Maybe it’s not fair to say that religion has no sense of humor, after all, Mormons wear magic underwear and believe in polygamy. I had a Mormon teacher when I was in high school and it was great. We’d have multiple choice tests and you could choose as many answers as you wanted. Buddhism also seems like they can take a joke. I mean, the main doctrines of Buddhism are to denounce material things and find inner enlightenment. In other words, they’re lazy. And the entire religion was founded by one man, one lazy, poor, fat man. Buddhist communion ceremonies replaced communion crackers and wine with cupcakes and chocolate milk. It’s delivered via drive-thru.
Al Qaeda members probably seem like they have the least sense of humor. I mean, sure, they’ve got that ‘HALALALALA’ sound they make before they stab you, and when they say ‘Go out with a bang,’ they really mean it, but that whole ‘72 virgins thing’ just throws me off. Radical Islamists are told that if they die in the name of Allah they will go to Heaven where they will receive 72 virgins. However, nothing that I’ve read of the Qu’ran (the title) says anything about the age or sex of these virgins. If God has the sense of humor I hope he does, I can only imagine that radical Islamists who kill themselves, and others, for God, find themselves in “heaven” where they’re put in control of a foster home, and forced to take care of 72 little babies. Enjoy your virgins, assholes.
There is one humorous element that many religions seem to share, an element many consider to be the ‘missing link.’ This element is, of course, funny hats. Jews start with Yarmulkes. Small headwear, effective and original, but being the short minded fools we are we gave them away like hotcakes. Next came the Sikhs. They said, “nice hats, jews! But check this shit out!” and they got bigger, funnier hats. In comes Christianity. “Guys, guys, guys,” Christianity interjects. “Christianity’s only gonna have one hat.” “One hat?” asks Judaism. “One hat,” Christianity confirms. “But it’ll be fucking huge! And we’ll cover it with jewels and shit, and make it pointy at the top. It’ll be soo sick, you have no idea!” And so the Pope, to this day, retains the funniest hat.
Do funny hats translate into senses of humor, though? Well let’s look at the track record: Witch hunting, the Inquisition, and Child molestation. I guess 1/3 isn’t that bad. To analyze Christianity we need to look at its mascot, Jesus Christ. Now I’ve written about Jesus before, but the only conclusion I came to is that I could beat him in a wrestling match, but I made no guess as to who would win in a comedy face-off.
God being the standup comedian that he is, it’s no surprise that his son is a magician. That being said he works in sadistic and confusing ways. People often ask me if I’ve found Jesus, but I don’t understand why I should be looking. For certain people it makes sense to hide. Osama Bin Laden, for instance, makes sense. Waldo also checks out, but Jesus? Story doesn’t make sense; “he’ll save your soul, but you gotta catch him first!”
And so here we are at the conclusion and still with no answer. Does God have a sense of humor? History tells us that God’s done some pretty terrible things. He even tried to kill off mankind with Noah’s Ark. Then again, it’s gotta take a pretty wild sense of humor to wake up one morning and go ‘Wait a minute, I should put all of the animals on a boat. Yeah, yeah, all the animals and, fucking…. THAT GUY!!!” So how about it? Is God a joker? Well they say that God made man in his own image, and if that’s true, than looking around me at the world we live in, I can say definitively that no. No, god does not have a sense a humor.
But then again, he did make midgets…..
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