There’s a book called ‘The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy,’ by the late, great, Douglas Adams. This novel deals a bit with the universe, explaining, “In the beginning the Universe was created. This made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.” This raises the age old question of whether or not the creation of the universe was a bad move? Sure to be unable to find answers in this novel I turned to another great work of fiction, The Bible.
While not providing any conclusive decision, it does provide some insight into how it all began. It’s difficult nowadays to find any trustworthy information in the bible because it’s been republished and rewritten so many times. For instance, the entire book takes on an entirely different tone after they removed the final chapter which simply read, “Just Kidding.”
The Bible doesn’t waste any time getting down to business. The very first line of the very first sentence of the very first paragraph of the very first page opens with, “First God made heaven & earth.” Okay, so one day God decides he’s gonna make something. This is where most people make an outline or a rough draft. Something, anything; just to get the ball rolling. Not god. Motherfucker starts with Heaven and Earth. Alright, so he’s got Heaven and Earth, but now what, right? Well for an encore the almighty snaps his fingers and says “Let there be light.” He didn’t even make light, he just willed it into existence. I mean, the Bible says that god made Heaven and Earth, but he just says ‘let there be light,’ and BAM, light. Keep in mind there’s nobody around at this point, it’s just god saying shit out loud to fucking nobody! He mumbles some shit about something that doesn’t even exist and where one would expect an embarrassing echo, instead light appears. Also, this means that God created Heaven and Earth IN THE DARK!!!!
On the second day God made the sky. Whatever.
Day Three: “God called the dry land Earth, and the waters that were gathered together he called Seas. And God saw that it was good.” For the first time in the bible now God sees that it was good. It quickly dawns on him that light was an awesome idea. When god finished with this he got some breakfast and played X-Box until around 10:30. He created vegetation right before bed.
On the fourth day God really didn’t do much. Got high, separated the light into night and day, ate an entire bag of Doritos, and fell asleep on the lawn.
On the Fifth day God made birds and fish. “And God blessed them, saying, ‘Be fruitful and multiply and fill the waters in the seas, and let birds multiply on the earth.” The New Testament had some slight variations to this, it read,
“And God blessed them, saying, ‘Let’s get bizzzayyyyy’ and a large disco ball did descend from the great firmament of the heavens, and Barry White’s soothing voice did blast from God’s Wilson Audio MAXX 2 Tower Speakers, and he saw that it was good. And God’s creatures did shout a resounding “What?” because they did not speak English.”
Day Six was a big day: “Then God said, ‘Let us make man in our image, after our likeness; and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps upon the earth’ While this passage grants me ownership over everything, I respectively decline ownership over the Blacks. Lest we forget. “So God Created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him.” This explains why man is so often redundant. It also explains why we can be so repetitive. We say the same thing a lot. “And God blessed them, and god said to them, ‘Be fruitful and multiply.” And it was really good.
At this point God was done. He looked around and he was content, and he said, ‘fuck it. ONE MORE DAY!’ “And on the seventh day God finished his work which he had done, and he rested.” Now this raises a few questions. First of all if god could create the earth and heavens and light simply by snapping his fingers then that leaves him approximately 24 hours of free time per day. Now the fact that he still had to take that 7th day to rest contradicts the previous statement that man was made in god’s image, because not all men are Mexican. See it’s funny because there’s a common stereotype that Mexicans are lazy. It’s a funny joke. Trust me.
The book of Genesis explains how the Universe was created but doesn’t give us any insight into whether it was a good or bad idea. If you read the rest of the bible, however, there tends to be a general theme that it was a terrible fucking idea.
Not only do I not believe that God exists but I think that the book about him sucks. It’s a continuous string of lies that lead people to do terrible things to each other. ‘God’ is an abomination and the only satisfying part of the bible comes when you finish; when you read those final few lines.
Just kidding.
