Marketers are the smartest people on planet Earth. Seriously. How many times have you seen a commercial on television and as if you have no control over your body you find yourselves buying 4, 5, even 6 dozen cases of kitty litter before you realize you don’t even have a cat? Now you have to go buy a cat, a cage and some toys plus you’ve got to spay and neuter it lest you disappoint Bob Barker, go buy some ointment for that rash on your groin that won’t go away when suddenly you realize that you haven’t update your blog in over 2 months and while writing the first paragraph of your most recent update you realize that you’ve been typing a sentence for way too long and it’s time to either delete everything you just wrote or press the period key, pretend this never happened, and try to get back on track.
I got a computer virus recently. It’s a pain in the ass and it’s dangerous but I just can’t bring myself to get rid of it. I got a piece of spy ware, which essentially means that I get popups nonstop. The beautiful thing about the whole situation is that the popups pretend to be my friend, they inform me that I have a virus and like the good pal that it is tells me where to get the top of the line popup blocker. Essentially I have a virus that tells me that I have a virus in order for me to buy their new anti virus software. The very concept of this marketing strategy literally makes me crap my pants. They give a virus telling you how to get rid of it. It’s like if Aspirin came out with a new pill that gave you migraine headaches. ‘Try our new and improved Aspirin. It’ll give you the worst fucking headache of your life but it’ll make it go away within moments.” On the one hand I wanna be angry at them for giving me this virus, but on the other I’m just impressed. Damn you, you magnificent bastards.
A well used jingle or mascot will make you buy shit you didn’t even realize existed. Prime example: The Kool Aid guy. Why would anybody ever buy kool-aid? It’s like any other fruit punch but you have to make it yourself. Nobody in their right mind should ever want Kool-aid, but have a Walking Talking Jug of Tropical Island Splash Fruit Cocktail tell you to buy it while wearing those funky Hawaiian shorts and suddenly you fucking need it. What is the allure of the Kool-Aid man? He’s not a nice guy, he’s a jerk. Has the Kool-aid man ever asked how anybody was? Hell no, the Kool aid man doesn’t give a shit. Has he ever walked through the front door and kindly inquired ‘Hello Billy, how are you?’ No! He bursts right through your fucking living room wall screaming ‘Oh yeah, Oh yeah!!’ If a pitcher of Fruit Punch burst through my wall my first reaction wouldn’t be ‘Oh hurray! Let’s drink him.’ It would be ‘Holy Shit, we’re all gonna die.’ The Kool-Aid guy must’ve had a screwed up childhood to think that this is socially acceptable behavior. Kool-aid is basically just colored sugar that you use to make your own drink, but hey, that animated cup told me to buy it and his glasses are pretty fucking cool, so I think I better do what he says.
Cereal mascots also blow me away. Tony the tiger, Captain Crunch, the Trix rabbit, all animated, all creepy. Why is a tiger telling me to buy Bran Flakes? Why am I listening? Why do--- what? The tiger rides a skateboard? Oh… well that’s actually pretty cool. Okay, Tony I can handle but Captain Crunch is where I draw the line. When did we start taking advice on what to eat from pirates? I mean, I understand that it would be pretty badass to get scurvy but it’s just not worth cutting the top of my mouth. Besides a general rule of thumb is to not take advice from people whose eyebrows are attached to their hat. Finally, Trix the Rabbit. Need I say anything? These ads promote racial segregation, distrust of strangers, and general contempt for those different from you. While these are all important values to instill in our youth there was just no excuse for the way those children treated that rabbit. He just wanted some damn cereal, what’s wrong with you children? Where are your parents?
Nicotine gum has a large advertising campaign running right now and it’s surprisingly effective. I find myself wishing that I smoked just so I could quit. They make the gum sound so rewarding and delicious that while I’m afraid I may become addicted to it, I still must try it but I wouldn’t dare just try the gum without being addicted to nicotine, it might be bad for my health. Then it hits me, that camel has been telling me to try his cigarettes, and his glasses are pretty fucking cool so I better do what he says. So I head out in my Mazda (Zoom Zoom) pick up a pack of cigarettes with the intent of getting addicted so I can try that sweet sweet Nicorette gum when all of a sudden a commercial for the anti-smoking campaign ‘Truth’ comes on. These kids are committing mini terrorist acts to promote their anti-smoking propaganda? COOL!!!!!!!!! What was I thinking? I almost let the media manipulate me, oh well, learn from my mistakes right? I throw my cigarettes into my glad twist tie garbage bag, sit back on my La-z-boy recliner, turn the channel to MTV, and pop open a new Diet Pepsi.
There's nothing wrong with purchasing products based on advertisements as long as you realize why you're getting something. Understand that marketeres are way smarter than you and you should be fine. That's what I do, and you wanna be as cool as me, don't you? I've got some really fucking cool glasses.
