Loved and praised all around the world Canada truly is a beacon of hope for handicapped individuals everyone. I mean seriously, think about it. Our largest claim to fame is beer. We’re ridiculed for our accents, have no real army, and national mascot is a large, buck-toothed rat. Our largest exports are wood and stand up comedians, and our most recognizable celebrities are the world’s most hated woman, Celine Dion, and the always loveable, always vibrating Michael J. Fox.
Yet despite our embarrassment of a resume we have still managed to leech ourselves onto the United States coattails and be dragged out of obscurity. We truly are A
merica’s retarded cousin. We act like them, we think like them, and we dress like them. The only edge we seem to honestly have on the States is in broadcasting. Just so long as Canadian television can keep punching out original hits such as ‘Canadas Next Top Model’ and ‘Canadian Idol’ I see no reason why we can’t keep bringing home award after award for our programming. That’s right Canada, move those Gemini awards out of the way and make room for some… more Gemini awards!!!
At least Canada can take pride in their distinct and unique culture. We know who we are and what we believe in, and no matter how strongly our Southern brothers urge us, we will not cave into their demands. No, I’m just fucking with you. America’s our Sugar Daddy, and we don’t wanna do anything to slow the Gravy Train. For god’s sake, we gave half of our country back to the Inuit (it’s Spanish for Eskimo) a few years ago. That’s it, there’s no punch line. I’ve done no research on the matter, and frankly see no reason to. We gave half our country to some friggin’ Eskimos. I mean come on people!
Though our appreciation of curling may give us the appearance of having suffered some sort of major head trauma, Canadians do in fact know the pressing matters of the moment. Not because we’re so up to date with international (American) problems, but because we’ve simply stopped giving a damn. Every time I open the newspaper to catch up to date on America’s pressing issues I’m bombarded with a new catastrophe threatening to raise President Bush’s approval ratings.
Monday: Iraq has Weapons of Mass Destruction
Tuesday: Gay Marriages against God’s word
Wednesday: Cheney shoots Harry Whittington in the fucking face
Thursday: Iran has Weapons of Mass Destruction (wait didn’t we already.. Oh!! Iran, with an ‘N’. Okay, nevermind, proceed)
Friday: Mexican’s are taking everyone’s jobs (What the fuck?)
I don’t understand this whole Mexican border thing. How is this a sudden pressing issue? Did the Mexican’s just suddenly appear in your country? Has there been some big unspoken plan that all the Mexican’s would sneak over the border together while the entire population of America was sleeping? Did George Bush just wake up one morning, and realize, “HOLY SHIT!!! There’s 
Mexicans EVERYWHERE!”? This isn’t news.
Don’t cry to us that Mexican’s are taking your jobs, take some goddamm initiative. Sneak into Mexico and work for them. Besides, you should be thankful. If Miguel hadn’t come to America, how would you keep your lawn looking so nice?
This isn’t a problem in Canada. We don’t have lawns, just large snow covered terrains that we travel on via dog sled. (All information provided by Tucker Carlson). Maybe it’s because I’ve been drinking too much maple syrup, but I don’t understand the American news system. How can so many fucked up things happen in such a short period of time, and then seemingly resolve themselves before people even have time to forget there was a problem? Remember the Avian Flu? You know, birds carrying diseases, threatening to destroy mankind as we know it. What happened to that? Oh that’s right, Sweeps week ended.
I guess in hindsight, Canada ain’t so great. If we’re the retarded cousin, America is the acne (Mexican) riddled teenage bully with low self-esteem. We’re more than content just eating our boogers and laughing at how easy life is.
Canada may not be the most glamorous place to live.
